Everybody falls into routines and gets in a rut every now and again... Right? We begin to take things for granted, forget to prioritize and before we know it the whole world is spinning around a Dayplanner, a TV Guide and our kids schedules. Add church and work committments to any social engagements and you have a recipe for losing touch with one another... A Recipe for DISASTER. That is exactly where my husband and I have been these last four or five years.
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DISILLUSIONED.
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DISAPPOINTED.
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DISAGREEING.
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DYSFUNCTIONING. All over the place... Talk about a Misfire.
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My Man, Scott. He is the Love of My Life.
A Gift from God to me.
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Scott is quiet, easy going and loves all manner of sports. Spectator, participation, game fishing and hunting... And he enjoys playing video games. He is competitive to the bone, and well with competition comes a strong... Did I say STRONG? Yes, a STRONG. DESIRE. TO. WIN. He has a Warrior Spirit.
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He is strong, handsome and rugged. He has a great laugh and a smile that can turn me into a puddle in the floor in two seconds flat. He has a huge heart and loves to play with children. He can see my soul with those "MOOD EYES" of his. I'm not kidding. When he is angry they turn a dark and stormy gray. Other times he can be discouraged or sad and they turn blue. Most of the time when he is just in his routine they are a smoky hazel color, but when he is feeling amorous and looking on me with those eyes I see the color of Fresh Sliced Limes. A cool, refreshing green. No kidding, those eyes on me make my stomach quiver and my knees weak. All he has to do is look my way. And, that's the thing... We spent everyday after of the last four years together without really seeing each other.
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I confessed in my last post that I have largely taken him for granted and wounded him in the process. The truth is this: when Scott came into my life I was by every measure of the words: MESSED. UP. I had been abused, neglected, unloved and needy in the area of men since my middle teenage years. I didn't believe in love, the fairy tales I had grown up believing I would live or that a really good man existed anymore. In short, besides my father... Men leave. They leave you broke and broken. Wounded. Alone. They just leave. I was good for a while, but not a lifetime... Or at least that is the message I received over and over again.
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Scott came along with his own baggage. Baggage he might have wanted to keep packed away in a closet in the recesses of his mind somewhere - but, Scott married a "digger." I don't want to be with my man, I want to know I am in his heart and on his mind and I'm not competing with anybody for first place. I want to know about his past and how it affects our future. I just want to know every stinking detail. I want to hold onto him, love him, be near him and just stare at him if I want to for a whole afternoon or more. I love being in his arms where I have felt so safe. Loving my man is what I believed I had been put on this earth to do. So What Happened?
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Life happened. That's what.
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Blended families are never easy. Put a dreamy-eyed, obsessive-compulsive woman with worthiness issues in charge of the new family home and you've got unhappy kids, a confused husband and emotional turmoil errupting all over the place. I wanted us to be "One Big Happy Family." Yeah Right?
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We had two oldest boys - Alpha Males, if you will. Two youngest girls - Princesses no doubt. And we had one girl who remained neutral like Switzerland until recent months. I routinely would set about making new "family" traditions. Required family interaction and truly believed we were the Brady Bunch minus one and in desperate need of a housekeeper. Not really! I'm pretty good at the housekeeping game if I set my mind on it. It just NEVER. Did I say Never? Yes, It is NEVER a priority.
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Hubs and I stopped sitting next to each other while we watched television. We rarely went to bed at the same time and often I felt shut out and alone. Eventually we stopped doing things together most of the time. And after Justin died, I shut him out, too. I didn't know how to reach him, I needed him desperately and I was afraid that my emotional state would drive him further away. I played it strong. I played it long. I went my own way. I returned to destructive patterns and tendancies from my past. I felt REJECTED. ANGRY. ALONE.
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I poured myself into prayer, God and the calling I sensed He had on my life. I pursued it with the passion I had once sought after my husband with... And Scott had a new Competitor to match against. My God. I wish I could say that I didn't know things were wrong and growing worse all the time, but I did. I just felt helpless to undo the damage. He wouldn't talk so I would try to confess, but his lack of response to my confessions discouraged me and drove me further away.
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In August I realized my husband's heart was hard and I was the primary reason for that hardness. Yes, he made choices, too. But, for me - it was undeniable. Both God and Scott's Wife had no place in his life any longer. I had run off and left him there stuck in the muck of our marriage and pursued what I wanted and needed more than anything else - to be validated, appreciated and valued. I found it in a room full of women who heard my voice, saw my tears and responded in love. I turned to those friendships in place of the confidence and love of my husband and I failed him in every way.
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I confessed all of this to him then, but he did not have ears to hear it. I asked him weekly - "Is everything okay between us?"
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His answer was always the same. "Yes."
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"If it weren't would you tell me?"
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His assurance, "Yes, I would."
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Okay... So I pressed on. Growing further and further apart.
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Three weeks or so ago my husband exploded on me and poured all the hurt and angry feelings he had been harboring in his heart against me. He laid it on hard and thick and all I could do was weep and apologize. Sit at his feet and ask his forgiveness. I was heartsick, heartbroken and awoke the next morning with fresh vision and invigorated to restore what had been lost. But how? I was still guessing. The only iron clad thing I knew I could do to help him was to be more than on time - but, be early when getting ready to go somewhere. So, I pressed the envelope.
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The weekend after Christmas I also learned I was not the only one with sins to confess. My husband's choices began to come to light in high fashion. Some of my worst fears were realized, and others were allayed. I confessed to God in those early moments as the crisis point threatened to rob me of my faith... "I can't do this... I'm not strong enough."
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God said, "Yes, my child, you are. You have all the strength you need in you in Christ. He is in you. Trust that."
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I persisted in my argument, but each time I heard - "Yes, you can."
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My husband is not a bad man... He is a wounded man. A disappointed man... A man confused about life and his value to me. A man who lost sight of God and in those moments of weakness sought to escape the pain of his life. It could happen to anyone of us... It happened to him. The harder I pressed into God, the further away he ran. I made him a man without honor. I destroyed the man I hoped he'd become with my pressing and pushing... My willfulness and yes, even my rebellion. My faith overshadowed him like nightfall and my personality doesn't leave much room for a partner. All the things I longed for I systematically shut down in my marriage with the choices I made.
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We have spent the last week and a half sorting through the messiness of all our confessions. Forgiving and apologizing over and over again. Truth is prevailing. Love is prevailing. God is prevailing. We took the "Five Love Languages" test from Dr. Gary Chapman's book and I was so blown away and humbled by his responses.
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After we took the test and shared our love language results, we exchanged answer sheets. I read each statement and felt like my eyes were opening for the first time the man inside that I so longed to know and love. I wept tears of regret and tears of joy all at the same time. I read and re-read the statements and they were like water to my parched and aching heart. A refreshing view of my husband's heart. He, on the other hand, looked like the cat that ate the canary. He was so pleased with outcome of his test ... I had to laugh as I confessed, "I would have never put that on you... Never in a million years."
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With a playful waggle of his eyebrows he said, "SURPRISE!" And Surprise was a good word for it.
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A gift renewed.
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Our love languages are actually very compatible and very complimentary to one another. We began to explore the nuances of our particular language and expressed our love in renewing and refreshing sorts of ways. The more we activated our love languages and met the others needs, the more we talked about what had been underlying all the pain and hurt we had been feeling and pushing each other away with.
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To God's glory, He has walked each step of the way with us. Our hearts still hurt in immeasurable ways, but God is working healing out as only He can. We are simply complying.
At Christmas I had no clue what to do next...
But these pictures tell a story my heart has been longing to hear.
Me and My Man. I do love Him so...
.This morning as we sat in the car and shared our quiet time, this is the verse of Scripture that God shared with us... "Now I will tell you what the Lord has declared: He said to me, "You are My son. Today I have become your father. If you ask Me, I will give you the nations; all the people on earth will be yours." Psalm 2:7-8
.We prayed together and this time I started and he closed... these last few days he has started and I have closed. I prayed for all that we discussed in our few moments of quiet surrender. I confessed, praised, made intercession and waited. My husband then began to pray, his struggle was great. But, for the first time I heard him say the words of confession I needed to hear. He confessed to God that he had been wrong in the two primary choices he had made that hurt our marriage. I wept and felt something physically being removed between us. He has prayed for our marriage consistently when we pray together and he is committed to seeing this through. I've never been more humbled or more proud of my man.
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As I lay in his arms last night, I asked, "Did you think of me today?"
.His reply: "Yes."
."What did you think?"
."How much I missed and how good it would be to see you again."
.Glory to God our hearts are being restored to one another. And I can say once again:
."I have found the one that my heart loves." Song of Songs 3:4
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