Stepping Back

"My loved ones and friends stay away, fearing my disease. Even my own family stands at a distance." ~ Psalms 38:11 (NLT)

If I am not careful, I will read this verse and take it as an admonition not to abandon my friend in their hour of need. And what of this next verse acknowledging that a friend – a true friend – sticks closer than a brother.

"The man of many friends [a friend of all the world] will prove himself a bad friend, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." ~ Proverbs 18:24 (AMP)

So, what of a friend who sticks closer than a brother? Am I a bad friend if I take a step back from a situation that is not beneficial, not lending itself to God's purpose in either of our lives?

I have recently struggled with these very questions as I dealt with the frustration of my relationship with a friend. She and I have walked a few valleys and mountaintops together these last four years, and from this relationship I've learned much about grace and God's perspective. Still, this week I found myself at a crossroads of friendship.

Which brings me to Accountability:

What exactly does it mean to have an accountability partner and friend?

Webster's Online Dictionary provides this definition:

Accountability

Noun

1. Responsibility to someone or for some activity.

Source: WordNet 1.7.1 Copyright © 2001 by Princeton University. All rights reserved.

When I agree to be accountable to someone else for my activities and behavior, then I am inviting them to speak truth into my life – even hard, corrective truth when needed – so that I may stay true to the purpose and identity that God is revealing in me.

Likewise, when I agree to hold someone accountable to what the Lord is revealing to them I must have permission to speak to the situation with love, but even if it is hard and corrective truth that needs to be revealed in a loving manner. I must be empowered by the other person to act in this way. That leads me to the intersection I faced this week.

When I came to the intersection I found myself questioning why she wanted me to hold her accountable. I felt frustrated and mildly offended while finding I could not escape the fact that this friendship was mostly sucking the life out of me.

"A Friend Loves At All Times." (Proverbs 17:17)

I did love her. I do. She is my friend and we have walked through some very difficult and painful times together – holding each other up and encouraging one another along the way.

Today I had to evaluate the benefits against the burden and discovered the following eight things as I made my decision:

1.)If the fruit that comes out of any relationship is not fruit born in keeping with repentance then it is not a beneficial relationship for either party.

2.) If the relationship is specifically called an accountability relationship then both parties must clearly define expectations and boundaries for the process.

3.) When one or both parties cease to seek the friend's relationship over the benefit of the other's strengths or favor then it may be time to evaluate priorities and make difficult decisions.

4.) If hard conversations are dismissed and confrontation avoided then it is not truly an accountable relationship.

5.) The parties in the relationship must be willing to be honest with each other and value the relationship more than the counsel received.

6.) The first priority must be hearing the Lord's perspective on every issue, not just the one's we feel we have mastered. Hearing from God about who we are and His purpose in our lives is the only source of true change. Holding fast to opinions and life patterns only reinforces that obstacles that often necessitate accountability in our lives.

7.) When we know our limitations, it necessitates communicating them in a way that does not create an offense.

8.) Finally, I've discovered that in friendship, sometimes the most loving thing a friend may do is step back so the Lord may step in.

So, today… With peace in my heart and more opportunity to pray – I asked to be released from my accountability role in my friend's life.

Tuesday's In Other Words: Good Stewards, Godly Friends

This week's In Other Words is being hosted by Bonnie at the "Ink It" Blog .

For more information about In Other Words visit Loni at Writing Canvas.

I have found in my own experience there are times in my Christian walk that I have been assigned the task of traveling that particular leg alone. Other times, I find that I am in need of a few sojourners to mark out my way with. While I often can have many Christian acquaintances, I will only have a few close godly friends. I think of Jesus and the twelve disciples. There were many more than twelve with him. But, Scripture identifies twelve by name.

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In Matthew, Jesus sends out at least 72 and who knows how many more were with Him as He traveled and ministered those three years of His life. If we look at the twelve, three are called to go deeper still. I don't want to speculate on the numbers... I want to look at why we are called to be friends to one another.

1. Because having a friend to bear the load with you makes the return for the work accomplished more. If you grow weak, you have someone along side of you to help you up and if you grow cold, your partner will help warm you back up.

Think of this - a load carried by two who evenly balance out the weight is much easier to labor through than just one person trying to do all the work themselves. We, as individuals are called to live together, in relationship with one another. The Acts 2 church was selling their personal possession and giving to any one of their fellow Christians as they had need. They worked together, prayed together and ate together. They lived their lives out together. Sharing their possessions, their distresses, their triumphs and tragedies. They lived in community. Edifying and Encouraging one another along the way... All the while spurring one another on in the faith.

2. Because God created us to live in relationship first with Him and then with others, we must share our lives with others. That is why our closest friends, our friends we share the most intimate details of our lives with must also share an intimate relationship with God. 1 Corinthians 6:14 warns us not to yoke ourselves... Tie ourselves to and depend on... unbelievers in life. This goes for our friendships as well as our marriage and business covenants. We should not be sharing our lives with those who are not a friend of God.

This does not diminish the fact that we need to be out there meeting with and ministering to all sorts of people in our lives - the call is to make disciples. But, our inner circle - those we depend on must be equally yoked with us in Christ. 1 Corinthians 15:33 warns us that bad company corrupts good morals... and we should heed this caution when we are involving ourselves with friends.

3. Having godly friendships should help keep us accountable in our daily lives. This will give us a pure heart, and in our relationships with others we should watch our speech making sure it is gracious and worthy of our friendship with the KING!

4. Our closest friends will bring pleasantness to our lives through godly counsel and concern for us. They will help us and we will help them maintain a consistent walk with Christ. We need people who are willing to speak easy and hard truth into our lives. Receiving godly counself from our friends is a dynamic part of living in godly community as by His design - Iron Sharpening Iron as Proverbs 27 encourages us in seeking godly friendships.

5. Our friendships must be based on reverent fear of and trust in God Almighty. We must have friends who live closely by the Word of God or else we run the risk of being led astray. If we ourselves do not do as God commands, we cannot call ourselves His friend. If we are not a friend of God then we cannot be in godly relationship with one another.

6. Finally, we cannot live as lukewarm Christians. Friendship with the things of this world is hatred toward God. We must be very careful that we are influencers bringing the virtues and character of God to the spheres of influence we are given rather than allowing the spheres of influence we have to corrupt us. The last place we want to find ourselves in this world is as an enemy of God.

In this journey God will send us godly friends to draw out His purpose in our lives and theirs. We must be good stewards of these relationships just as we must be good stewards of every other gift God gives us as His blessed children. I am praying that through this post we will at least have a better idea of how to be a good friend to those God sends to us to go deeper still. And ultimately we will find ourselves a faithful friend of our God and King.