A Blessing is Coming...

I'm so excited - I could literally bust! I mean seriously. GOD. IS. SO. GOOD. I must admit I can't give you details right now, but I am just sayin' that God is going to do a mighty work in all our lives and I know that You are going to be blessed beyond measure.

Pray for the coming blessing and most of all... receive it. To Him be the glory forever and ever Amen.

Sharing Our Stories, Building Legacies and Identifying Readers

If you are regularly reading the blog, would you mind leaving a comment with your first name?

Just trying to get a feel for who is out there. If you do not have a blog or do not want to link back to your blog, then feel free to leave a post as "anonymous" and your first name.

I would also love to hear other stories. You can EMAIL me and share your Heart to Heart story if you are willing.

I have been telling my story, which I love to do because I believe it is part of Justin's legacy that his story help others along the way. What is your story? Pictures would be a great encouragement to me to. I am hoping to work up a post about the Heart to Heart children, so do share if you are willing and let me know what you think of this idea.

Thought Filled Thursdays - Cultivating Gratitude

Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the LORD has been good to you.
Psalm 116:7

In the year leading up to Justin’s death, I prayed many prayers for him. He was a troubled young man trying to find his way in a world that had left him fatherless and searching for an identity that would make him feel complete. Justin knew Jesus. He struggled every week with his mental illness and angry thoughts. He knelt at the altar and honestly reflected on and shared his pain.

It is almost impossible to imagine the pain of losing a child suddenly and traumatically the way most of us have. Yet, with Justin watching him self-destruct up close and personal, and fighting for every inch of his life was almost worse. I remember walking into church in October 2004. I was weary, we had just spent a week unraveling the mess of having to pick him up from the police for breaking curfew. We would learn that week that he had been sneaking out regularly, experimenting with alcohol and prescription medication all trying to turn off his mind. He sat shaking violently as tears were streaming down his face.

“Momma, I need help. I can’t do this anymore.”

It broke my heart. We had been hoping to get him help sooner, but he had been adamant. He didn’t want to be medicated or otherwise labeled as defective. He pretended to be normal while his life spun vigorously out of control. As I felt the tears stinging my eyes that day in church I said, “I don’t even know what to ask for anymore. Would you just pray for my son?”

A few hours later, my friend – and Pastor’s wife – came rushing up to me at the evening service. She thrust a paper in front of me and said, “Michelle, God has given me a word for Justin – It’s continue. You know, like Philippians 1:6 – God will continue the good work He began in him at salvation.”

We immediately went to the prayer room and knelt there hands tightly clasped praying for my prodigal son. We looked up ten or so Scriptures that we prayed over her adult prodigal and my teenage one. All had the word continue in them. We prayed hard, we prayed often, and we prayed believing. His life began to improve.

After the New Year rolled around and 2005 came in full swing, those prayers came more feverishly and more often. Our cry to God became more desperate. My son’s life began to spin again, first slowly and then into full blown mental, emotional and social issues that threatened to destroy my marriage and our family. It was more than I could take. I would lay on my bed at night and weep to the Lord - Crying out in anguish over my child. I would go to Justin in the night to lay hands on him and pray. I had him on prayer chain after prayer chain, as well as in the counsel and company of godly men. I searched Scripture and held fast. Then one night, as we concluded an exercise at Bible study where we were supposed to write our most ardent prayer request on an index card a revelation and a release came.

The instructions were to write out the request, hold it up to heaven and instead of continuing to pray that request over and over again, thank God for the answer by faith instead. I started that night and continued throughout the next few months. That day, as I made my way to the hospital certain of very little except that I needed God’s strength and peace to face whatever lay ahead I found myself praising God for little things… That my son was alive when I got to the hospital, for a family and church that loved us so, that God would ultimately have mercy on my son and provide the peace I would need to carry on. When he died I found myself praising God and thanking Him for the 17 years of life we had with him. My soul finds rest in God alone… He is my hope, my strength and my song.

My soul will boast in the LORD; let the afflicted hear and rejoice. ~ Psalm 34:2

Thought Filled Thursdays - Powerful Beyond Measure

His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.
2 Peter 1:3 (NIV)

What does powerful beyond measure look like to you right now? In those early days of my grief I reasoned that the only way I could get out of bed everyday was because of the power of Christ at work in me. I knew that in and of myself I could do nothing good, noble or powerful. Yet, here I am holding on still – determined to live my life fully as God has purposed for me to do until He finally calls me home. How did I arrive here?

God’s strength is made perfect in my weakness.(2 Corinthians 12:9) We serve and live in relationship with the power and atoning grace of God through His Son, Jesus Christ, and His Holy Spirit. I used to cringe when people looked at me as the source of strength and power in my life – as if by some power within me I willed myself to endure with perseverance, maintain hope and hold onto life because it was in and of me. I heard it many times: “You’re holding together so well, we almost forget what you’re going through.”

“You are so much stronger than I am – I don’t know what I would do.”

Honestly, I didn’t either. My worst confessed fear was that one of my children would die. I couldn’t imagine the pain or surviving that kind of loss. In truth, I did not want to survive that kind of loss. My confession was that if anything every happened to my children I would die. I would just die, too.

God, however, had other plans. I merely submitted to His Word, those plans and ultimately surrendered any control I thought I had in my life to Him. That is the amazing thing about God – submission on God’s terms is a paradox. He asks us to surrender and in surrender He empowers us beyond measure. Logically, naturally surrender would not empower us – it would give control and power to someone or something else. Yet, surrendering to God transfers our burden to Him and His power to us. Let that settle on you for a moment.

We must continue to live in the power and the calling of God upon our lives in spite of our present sufferings. We must rise above the suffering and live fully in the purposes of God for our suffering. But how?

Well, it starts with surrender. Admitting that there is nothing more that we ourselves can do to overcome the pain, the suffering and the temptations we face in this life. We have to surrender the lies we have been holding onto and the ways we try to stay safe and protect ourselves from risk and hurt. We have to come to the end of ourselves, the pride of our lives and fully depend on God for every aspect of our existence. It doesn’t make sense – but God told us it wouldn’t.

Through Isaiah the prophet God assures us that His ways will not make sense to us. His ways confound human nature and logic and leave us scratching our heads. When that came into my life three years ago, I did not have a clue what God was doing, but I was determined to find out. There were two promises I held onto – Jeremiah 29:11 and Romans 8:28. I believed with all my heart that God had a plan and a purpose for the aftermath of the death of my child and that His purpose would bring good to my life again and reveal His glory in immeasurable ways.

What did I do to receive this power beyond measure?
1. Laid down my expectations. I stopped claiming my entitlements. I asked for measures of blessings still, but I asked for the better virtue of God’s will. In doing so, I stopped limiting God’s power in my life and fully experienced His peace and His strength in spite of my pain.

2. I stayed connected through the body and through His Word – I couldn’t read a whole lot of new Scripture but I would let God give me a verse or two from my previous two years of study and I would focus on remembering those promises and those truths and examining how they were helping me through my loss. But most of all I had to cry out to and trust the Holy Spirit to bring me comfort and truth.

3. I had to let God show me how to fight His way because my way had never worked. By laying down my will and my way for what had happened God was released to work and act on my behalf – and His ways are not only higher – they are always better.

3For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. 4The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. 5We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. ~ 2 Corinthians 10:3-5 (NIV)

Heart to Heart Connections

I promised to deliver the word about a blessing that is coming and it is beginning to arrive.

My friend, GratefulinGA, has agreed to share with us here at Heart to Heart so you will be reading about her daughter Lauren and her journey through the valley of the shadow of death here as the days move ahead.

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Please read about her grief journey and her precious girl, Lauren, in her first post: big time glue. Be sure to leave her a comment by way of welcome and join us by sharing with us about your children as you read along.

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Many blessing to all and a great big praise to our Great God for bringing in the sheaves.

Much love to you all, and especially to our new friend.

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Dearest Lord and Father,

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I pray you would wrap your arms around each woman who comes here to read, to share her story and to grow in grace and healing along the way. My prayer is especially for our friend in Georgia, Lauren's mom. Thank you for sending her to join us in our heart to heart journey. I pray we all find a heart connection with one another, Lord, but most of all with YOU. You are our hope, our strength and our strong. The joy of our lives and the promise of the future. Thank you for your faithfulness and testimonies that declare You so. I am honored and blessed to bear witness to Your mercy and grace in the lives of others every day. Bless them all Lord, Bless them indeed.

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In Jesus' sweet and precious name I pray. Amen.

Thought Filled Thursdays: Trauma, Triggers, Troubles... Truth to Stand On

I wanted to write a post about trauma, triggers, things that trouble us and some truth to stand on in the days to come. I've long said that there are three primary things that got me through my grief: Truth, Talking and Tears. I have reached a place where the tears mean and come for different reasons than they once did, and I must admit that I had a period of time where it felt as if I couldn't cry another drop of wet sorrow over my son - even if I wanted to. I just felt all cried out. Still... The tears are important, as are the things that triggered them and the truth that I discovered in them when I talked about my loss, my God and the places I had been with Justin since we began this journey together some 20 years ago..

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Tammy wrote a terrific post about things that trigger her memories, her tears and her to work through her grief. Be sure to read about it here. It is such a reminder about the importance of allowing your heart and body to fully express grief as it comes in your life.

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I am a visual/audio person. Images and music tend to have a significant impact on me for some reason - so as I was beginning to write this post a few scenes came to mind and along the way that song at the end landed on me with a deep sense of truth tucked away inside of it.

(**Tissue warning... Tissue Warning... Sobbing scenes ahead.**)

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The first two video clips are from Terms of Endearment staring Shirley McClaine and Deborah Winger. This movie was produced in 1983. I remember being a high school student when my brother and I hosted a sleepover for all our neighborhood friends. Four girls and four boys were sitting in my bedroom floor watching this movie in the middle of the night. All four girls were blubbering and wiping their noses in a full on ugly cry while the boys looked on in awe at all that estrogen charged emotion.

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For me, Shirley McClaine fighting for her daughter was like those last few days of Justin's life when it felt like the world had stopped and all I wanted was to take care of my son and make sure everyone responded with his best interest at heart.

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For many days no one would tell us what was happening with my Jay-bird. He lay in that bed, his blood pressure and temperature were looking really good. With his summer tan on his face he looked so peaceful sleeping there. But, his cranial pressure - the indicator for the severity of the swelling on his brain - just kept rising. On the seventh day, Monday, August 22nd, everything in my life felt upside down. The doctors had come in early while I was away and my dad was with him. I had returned home overnight to go to my own doctor and take my daughters to school. They said that one of his pupil's had stopped responding to light which could mean that he was taking a turn for the worst. My dad called and I prayed. "Lord, please... just let him be alive when I get there."

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I had told the doctors for days that we wanted the complete, unvarnished truth. By noon, when the neurosurgeon's had avoided my son's room and talking to me for the second time I was a frantic mess. I was crying, shaking and ANGRY. I felt much of what Shirley McClaine expresses in this scene - except my son didn't need a shot for pain. I needed answers about his condition - answers no one seemed willing to provide.

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The social worker assigned to be our advocate during Justin's eight day ordeal at the hospital advised me to call the doctor's office and ask them to help me. I went back to the nurse's station. Within minutes I was on the line with a Physician's Assistant who had not even seen my son in the hospital. He placed me on hold and reviewed my son's file and films. I felt like I had been there forever when he came back on and said, "Ma'am, though I have not examined your son I would say that we need to do a test and I will order it for tomorrow or the next day. This test will measure the blood flow to your son's brain."

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I already sensed what the results of that test would be... Still, at least I had some sort of answer to what the doctor's were thinking. He assured me that we would have definitive answers about my son's condition after this test was completed. I asked my husband to call the elders and have them come along with our pastor and family. I did not want to deal with people - I just wanted to have those who'd loved us longest and those who had been there for my son during the most difficult months to pray with us over him before we released him to God. Apparently, Scott did not convey that message. That night more than 150 people arrived at the hospital and my father "ran the tour." When the nurses gave him the heads up that he could bring as many people back as he could - four at a time - he began walking out and leading people back to the room for five minute visits where he explained all the details of the monitors and held onto his hope that my son was going to live.

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I, on the other hand, had been sitting on my cot while his nurse, Donna, checked his pupils as was the hourly routine. When she looked up with discouraged eyes that showed me a heart aching for our family all she could do was whisper. "We've lost his other pupil."

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The finality of those words lay over me like a thick, suffocating blanket. My son had slipped away. I felt the warm wet tears that had been mine for days as Justin's condition hit peaks and then dove into valleys ... "That's not good is it?"

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She shook her head, came to my side and sat and held me in her arms as I cried. She wept, too. It touched me in the deep places of my heart the way the staff of the hospital loved on us and met with us in our need. They took good care of my baby and my family during those awful days when tragedy visited us and death consumed one of our own.

These next scenes mark out some of how I felt on August 23, 2005. Such peace in the passing, but then terrible angst. One of my prayers that week was for God to make the outcome sure. Either He was going to heal and restore my son or He wasn't this side of heaven. By that last day, my heart cry was not to bring my son back in a broken state, but to make it absolutely certain and to leave no doubt about God's will. When the doctor's told us that they were sure his brain stem had hemorrhaged on his way back from the last test and they would be in to turn off his ventilator so we should gather our family... Again I felt peace mixed with deep sorrow.

Certainty.

There was not absolution for me until they turned off the machines and there was no gasp of air, no shaking, nothing that suggested my son was still in that body. He had slipped away quietly while no one was looking. He tread the path to heaven with Jesus by his side and I knew with absolute certainty that he would never awaken to me on earth again. The sobs of death consumed me as that truth settled into my life for the first time. I bathed his body, held him tight and left him to the medical examiner. He still is my son.
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The Steel Magnolias funeral scene has always reduced me to tears. The things that M'lynn expresses at the funeral reflected my own heart about the death of my child. She recounted the last minutes with "there was no gasp, no tremble - just peace" She said her husband couldn't take it, he left. Her son-in-law couldn't take it... he left. That men, "they're supposed to be made of steel or something, but they couldn't take it... I was there when that beautiful creature drifted into my life and I was there when she drifted out. It was the most precious moment of my life."
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I felt all that and more in those hours leading up to and out of my son's death. I recently asked my husband where he was standing when they turned off Justin's machines. His answer? By the door. He spent little time in the room with Justin and I, barely able to stand the "frankenstein-esque" monitor in his skull and all the bleating machines and wires that ran to and from his body.

Since I've given you some heavier scenes to contemplate earlier I thought I would drop this next one in because it makes us laugh. It so accurately expresses the full range of anger, emotional tumult and that uncanny role of humor in our tears that can come in times of great tragedy.

This final scene was met with a round of cheers as my daughters and I watched this serial drama for teenagers. One Tree Hill is on the CW (formerly the WB) each week and we've followed it off and on from its inception.

This scene is between the original group of One Tree Hill who are now adults and teachers in the life of a teenager who was killed when he accidentally walked in on an armed robbery at a gas station. I include it because there is truth to stand on in these lines... and it is truth hard to find in the entertainment industry these days. When others are crying out that self-awareness and getting in touch with your inner child or nature, and society says we create our own realities... Here is this little serial drama that does not get it right half the time declaring the truth for all to see. Thank God He uses even the mundane to reveal Himself in small ways.

There's an old saying "God will not give us more than we can bear." But, as I read the Scriptures I hear the Holy Spirit saying something fresh in 1 Corinthians 10:12-13 "Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall. 13 No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it." (NKJV, emphasis mine)
God is faithful to keep us from being pushed beyond our limits. In and of our own power and strength we have nothing, Scripture tells us that His strength is made perfect in our weakness - meaning it is proven powerful in the weakest, most devastating moments of our lives. When I read 1 Corinthians 10:13 it speaks this to me: "God will not give us more than HE can bear." That passage says that with God I can withstand any trial, any suffering, any temptation and overcome because He makes the way.
Paul reports in his epistles as having been afflicted by a thorn in the flesh that He prayed three times to have removed. But, rather than removing the thorn, God provided him the grace to endure the tempest and the storm. God will provide the same for you. He is the God of all comfort. He sustains those who are weak and hurting. He comforts those who suffer and mourn and He gives grace and strength to those who feel as if they cannot go on. He causes us to stand. We have a Rock in Jesus Christ upon which to STAND FIRM. So .... my friends, Stand. When you think you'll give up. Stand. When you're down on you're luck. Stand. Get up... Can't you hear Him saying, Get up and Stand with Me in this. He wants you to stand.

Stand
(As Sung by Rascal Flatts)
"You feel like a candle in a hurricane
Just like a picture with a broken frame
Alone and helpless
Like you've lost your fight
But you'll be alright, you'll be alright
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[Chorus:]
Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause its all you can take
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On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
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Then you Stand,
Then you stand
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Life's like a novel
With the end ripped out
The edge of a canyon
With only one way down
Take what you're given before its gone
Start holding on,
keep holding on
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[Repeat Chorus]
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Every time you get up
And get back in the race
One more small piece of you
Starts to fall into place
Oh...
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[Repeat Chorus]

With my love and prayers,

Michelle

Stages of Grief

The Stages of Grief based on my study and experience can come in any progression of the following. You may find you experience these in no particular order and may repeat one or more of them throughout your season of grief. These stages are provided as a tool, a guide, and not a pattern of any sort*:

Stability – The period before the bad news is received. What we deem to be normal, the time immediately preceding the loss.

Shock – Immobilized by the loss you have suffered you feel paralyzed to respond to it.

Denial – The temptation to avoid the inevitable realization that you have indeed suffered a loss.

Anger – Frustrated, this stage brings an outpouring of bottled up emotions.

Bargaining – Seeking in vain for a way out of the loss, trying to work for or negotiate a safe place.

Depression – When you have exhausted yourself by denying, bargaining and venting your grief, then comes the lull of depression. It seems to come at the moment when you have absolutely nothing to invest in your season of grief.

Finding Meaning – You begin to seek realistic solutions to your grief in this stage. This is where you begin to realize you may never “get over” your loss, but you may indeed find a place of healing and hope as you find your season of grief ending.

Acceptance/Hope – When you come to the end of your grief season, you will find that there is finally peace with which you may indeed feel free to move forward in life. Never forgetting, but also no longer discouraged by the loss you have suffered. Hope and Acceptance usually bring meaning to suffering as well as healing. Though there seems to be a new "normal" in the early stages of grief. It is when Acceptance and Hope begin to work in your life that the "new normal" is actually realized.

I've read and learned much about the stages of grief in my journey after Justin died. I harnessed these nine stages from a grief site called Healing Hearts and "Redeeming the Tears" which is a group Bible study by Serendipity House Publishers. I took the title of the stage and summarized it's impact in my own words. Widely there are only about 4 to 6 stages of grief recognized by both the Christian and the secular worldviews; however, the following list of stages indicates what rings true to my own experiences and grief - even stages I continue to work through to this day.

The thing about grief that I have found to be most true would be that it pushes us to do something when we don't feel like doing anything. Direction and understanding seem to be the keys to navigating grief with any modicum of sanity, and even then it feels like we're steering a sinking ship. I can only imagine the weight carried by the crew and captain of the Titanic as they sat helplessly unable to steer their passengers to safety while the enormous ship and its passengers slowly sank into the icy waters of the Atlantic Ocean. It is, indeed, how I feel at times. These are the times when I must find the balance between despair and hope, the sense of being both lost and found all at the same time.

In the last two years, as I have begun to make my grief journey with other grieving parents I have found three things to be true:

1.) We all may have similar experiences and hearts that miss our deceased loved ones. Yet, each of us must find our own way through grief and each of us will progress through the stages of grief differently. Sharing a grief journey should never involve comparison, but instead it should be directed as a means of learning together how to manage the very difficult sea of emotions and longings that come with grief.

2.) The stages of grief are more of an outline of experiences rather than a carved in stone pattern for grief. These stages outline the common experiences of people who are suffering and working through grief. Some may experience them all in order, and some may experience only a few of the stages and then find themselves at a place of healing. Wherever you find yourself, grief must be dealt with. The consequences of avoiding grief for a long period of time tends to be physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually devastating.

In addition, grief is intended to be a season that with time progresses us to a place of healing. That is why the work of grief is so important. Allowing ourselves to remain in a particularly comfortable stage of grief (such as denial or bargaining) tends to lock us into a perpetual state of grief that is hard to undo. It creates a heart filled with hopelessness and despair. And, it is said that there are those who grieve themselves to death. You know animals who have lost a companion whether human or other animal will often by instinct grieve that loss - often times to death. Human beings have the unique capacity to choose their path in grief, and we by virtue of intelligence have the ability to seek life rather than death. It is a choice each person must individually make.

3.) Healing is possible. With God all things are possible. (Matthew 19:26; Mark 9:23; Mark 10:27). I have heard parents talk about enduring grief as if there is no end to it. And, in some respects that are things about my son's death that will never end for me. I will never stop missing him or the things we did not get to do together. Those things will come up from time to time as my life wains on. However, as time has passed and I have sought God in my grief - something marvelous has happened... I have found a place to live again. Not as one wearing the grave clothes of death, but as one redeemed from death to life by the God who loves us so. For us grief begins with death.

For God grief began when we became lost to Him. Our sin brought about grief for God. (Genesis 6). God was so grieved that the end result was the physical death and suffering of His Son. My faith in God must outweigh the loss I suffered for me to experience His comfort, His mercy and His grace otherwise my grief becomes an idol as I choose to nullify the healing power and promises of God for my life.

"Healing is a choice." As they often say and have written about at New Life Ministries. We may not choose the circumstances that lead us to grief, but we must indeed choose to make that journey.

Sorrow does linger for a time, but joy will eventually come. The experiences and knowledge that becomes confirmed in us about God through that grief experience makes it worth the trip no matter how much it hurts. As you consider each stage of grief and what you are currently experiencing in your personal journey.

You may find it helpful to find Scriptures that talk about your stage of grief. For instance, if you are suffering from "hopelessness" in the depression stage, then look up Scriptures that talk about hope. If you are angry, look up Scriptures about how to deal with anger. If you are asking why - read the book of Job, or a few of the Psalms that begin "O Lord how long with you forsake me?" or something of that nature. Cry out to God, pray through your path and watch God Work miracles in your heart, your soul and your life through death and loss.

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* Again, this is not medical or psychological advice and not intended to be a substitute for any necessary professional or pastoral care you may need in your grief. If you feel overwhelmed at any point in your grief you need to seek the advice and care of a professional doctor or counselor as well as your pastoral ministry at church.

A Strand of Three Cords...

My heart is so burdened as I weigh the Scripture for today's post. I want to go back and pull up the questions that I posted on Monday:

As you consider this verse of Scripture and how it reflects the season of grief you are in, please also consider the following questions:

1.) Do you feel entangled by your grief? If yes, please explain.

2.) Do you have nightmares surrounding your loss that haunt your sleep? If yes, please explain.

3.) Do you feel that grief has laid hold of you and you are consumed by thoughts of death?

4.) Does anything compare to the suffering you are experiencing in the aftermath of your child's death?

I asked do you feel entangled by your grief, and I want to say that at first I felt so alone and uncertain in my grief that I could barely think. I busied myself, frittered away my days.

I remember moments when driving where death so consumed me that I thought, "If I just hit that tree really fast and really hard I would die, too." Almost as quickly, I would see my beautiful daughters and my husband and know that this irrational thought would not be a solution - only create more problems and more pains for those I loved the most. But, that irrational thought came from a place deep inside of me that was hurting so badly I could not seem to find resolution even in my most ardent prayers. It was a desparate thought in desparate times. A place where I just needed to stop the hurting going on in my heart, my head and my life.

This Scripture helps me to know that God understands that I hurt this way, that sorrow often leads to thoughts of death. Not that it is okay to entertain those thoughts, but that we can take those thoughts as ugly and devestating as they are to our Lord God and entrust Him with the pain that brings us to them.

This is how sorrow and grief entangle us - becoming a snare rather than a journey. Being stuck in our grief is one of the worst places I have found myself. Unable to really function, unwilling to ask for help... Afraid that one more thing, one more loss, one more painful moment would send me teetering over the edge. But, God doesn't want us to go through grief alone. He wants us to find Him in our grief and find encouragement and support from others as we go along the way.

The enemy will tell us anything we are willing to believe: "It will never get better." "God doesn't care, He let your child die." "Even if God does care, how do you know He's there?" "You'd be better off dead, at least it wouldn't hurt so much." He will even tell you, "There is no God."

But we have to shake off the lies of the enemy and stop buying what he's been selling us. That's why even one Scripture can be such a benefit to the grieving because God can take that one Scripture and open your heart toward Him with it.

The lies of the enemy are like heavy ropes. The more he wraps you up in them, the harder it is for us to break free. Pretty soon, we cannot even see the light. We are so weary from carrying around the weight of our entanglements that we just want it to end. That is when a wave of grief will wash over us - and in our bound state we won't even be able to resist the way it washes deeper and deeper into the despair and agony of death. We are soon over our head in deep waters of grief, entangled with the lies and doubts planted in our hearts and we begin to sink. Call on Him. Cry out to Jesus, get involved in a group where the goal is seeking God in your grief, and remember that any entanglement that you are facing can be easily broken by the truth of God's Word.

Begin to replace the lies of the enemy with the truth of God's Word. When the enemy calls out "He doesn't care about your pain." Call that lie, what it is - A LIE. Rebuke it with the truth, "You number my wanderings; Put my tears into Your bottle; Are they not in Your book?" Psalm 56:8 (NKJV). God records the things that cause us pain in a remebrance book and stores our tears in a bottle, your suffering is important to God and He has a plan for it.

When the enemy tells you the Lord has abandoned you in your suffering, remind yourself of these beautiful words from in Deuteronomy "6 Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." - Deuteronomy 31:6 (NIV)

And if you are inclined to claim a New Testament promise, "Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." - Hebrews 13:5 (NIV).

I found that God repeated this promise in this wording 8 times as translated in the NIV.

If you are lacking hope, look up Scriptures with the word hope. If you lack joy, look up and focus on Scriptures that talk about joy. Find a way to knit God's Word into your heart. There is more to this life than what we live. Ecclesiastes tells us God has created an intuitive nature in us that seeks out eternity (Ecclesiastes 3). Our lives are made up of seasons where emotions and circumstances play their part in pointing us straight to God. We were created for eternity and all of this life is but a breath compared to life in eternity. Do no grow weary in doing good, for you will reap a harvest in God's appointed time. (Galatians 6).

We cannot give up on one another either. This is why we must find a support environment that will help us work through our grief. Hebrews 10:25-26 tells us that we are not to give up in meeting together, but instead to meet together to encourage one another and all the more as we see the day of Christ approaching. Stand with one another - it is Life Support. When we find a common thread with which to allow God to weave our lives together - we will find hope in the hearts of those around us. We will pray together, unearth truth together, cry together and yes, we will even laugh together as we journey toward meaning and healing in grief.

Salve for our wounded soul:

"Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him. And a threefold cord is not quickly broken." Ecclesiastes 4:12 (NKJV)

When we stand with another person in our grief we are a two strand cord, but when we add God to our relationship, we become a cord of three strands that cannot easily be broken. If you are entangled and snared in the depths of your grief - cry out to Jesus and let Him take you by the hand. Then, grab the hand of a grieving friend and you will find your way out of the valley of the shadow of death!

Listen to the following song and think of the power that raised Jesus from the dead, that power is available to you right now. We need Him, we need him to come to our rescue and to hold us when we cry. We need you Jesus!

Healing is a Choice

Our pastor, Robert Morris, taught an extensive series on the Beatitudes in Matthew 5 recently at Gateway Church in Southlake, TX. When he delivered his message on Matthew 5:4, he raised a question that begs asking in this context:

What if we all grieved over our sin and what it cost God the way we grieve over the death of those we love?

I think about that each time I consider God's sacrifice against my own son's death. Could I possibly view it in any other way? Placing my son's death against the backdrop of the cross leaves me with a heart that cries out to God, "There is no comparison, Lord. You paid the higher price."

I believe when my son died, God gave me a choice, just as He has done since He first created Adam and Eve in the garden. You may be asking yourself, What kind of choice is that?

It's the choice every one of us who suffer grief and loss must make, and I am so grateful that when August 23, 2005 came to my door - I had His perspective in my heart and not just my own. If I had been left only to my emotions, my responses and my devices... I might have just thrown myself against the machines, never asked for a test and be pining away in a hospital room watching my son's withering body - all dead except the life being pumped into it by medication and machine... and I might have yet to say goodbye to him.

I thank God every single day that I was able to see Justin's death in light of eternity and in light of His mercy and grace.

New Life Ministries has a book called, "Healing is a Choice." And, I believe that this applies broadly - we must be willing to submit what hurts to God and allow Him to minister to our pain and our suffering in His mercy and grace. We must choose the Healing and Grace of God - He gives it freely, but He is such a gentleman that He never forces His will or His way on anyone. Any person who comes to God comes to Him by their free will and their faith in who His Word declares Him to be and what His promises tell us He will do. He alone is the comforter, the healer and the lover of our souls.

In the depth of this kind of pain and despair we may find ourselves unable to even pray or read His Word. At times we may think the future is just as void and empty as our arms are without ouou loved one to hold. We may even think there is no longer a future to live for us. We are just destined to exist and survive without joy, without hope and without love because our hearts have been so broken in our loss.

God's Word tells us we are not just survivors, we are more than conquerors in Christ Jesus. There is life to be had and lived again, the death of those we love is not the end of life itself, just an opportunity to live it in a different light.

I believe that God's Word promises us something so different than just existence - Jesus said He came to bring us life, life to the full. I have seen that promise at work in my life and witnessed it in the grief of others.

Tony Dungy, head coach of the NFL's Indianapolis Colts who won the Super Bowl in recent years, lost his oldest child, James, to suicide in December, 2005. All the while Coach Dungy was leading one of the most celebrated teams in NFL history - he was suffering the worst agony one can imagine... He was missing his son.

Coach Dungy's loss came on the heels of my own loss. I remember barely being able to identify his loss because my own grief overwhelmed me. I could scarcely handle my own feelings much less process the tragedy in other people's lives - especially people I had no occasion to truly know.

At the 19th Annual Athletes in Action Super Bowl Breakfast on February 4, 2006, Tony Dungy delivered an emotional and inspiring speech to the crowd who gathered for breakfast that day leading up to the biggest football game of the year. He spoke of many things, but shared for the first time publicly what his son's death taught him.

Here are a few quotes from that speech:

Of his son, James, he said:

“He was a Christian and is today in heaven. He was struggling with the things of the world and took his own life. People ask how I could come back to work so soon. I’m not totally recovered, I don’t know if I ever will be, it’s still ever-painful...”

I can so relate to Coach Dungy's feelings and statement about his son's death, faith and desire to move forward with life. It still hurts the deepest places of my heart to think of Justin in a place where I can't hold him, talk to him, hear him laugh and see him live. But, at the same time it brings me great comfort and joy to know he is safely kept in the loving presence of our God for eternity and when my time comes to enter those pearly gates - my son will be among the cloud of witnesses who usher me in and welcome me home. A great reunion with our loved ones who have gone before and the ultimate reconciliation with our Heavenly Father who has been moving us toward that very day since time began.

Of His son's death Coach Dungy shared this:

“If God had talked to me before James’ death and said his death would have helped all these people, it would have saved them and healed their sins, but I would have to take your son, I would have said no, I can’t do that.

“But God had the same choice 2,000 years ago with his Son, Jesus Christ, and it paved the way for you and me to have eternal life. That’s the benefit I got, that’s the benefit James got, and that’s the benefit you can get if you accept Jesus into your heart today as your Savior.”

And Coach Dungy has so eloquently expressed the truth of our God in beautiful godly perspective. In our flesh, it is hard for us to fathom why children die before they have lived a full life, why murder, suicide and premature death are factors in our Christian life - why is the price so high? We just want our loved ones back, our hearts to mend and normal--or something like it-- to return to our lives.

Not one of us would do what God has done - willingly give up our child to save the lives of others. But, God loves us that much - can we not love Him in return in spite of our pain?

At a "life celebration" earlier this year for a 2 year old who drowned in her family's pool, the mother said, "To whom much is given, much is required." And, this to me is where the truth of God's comfort comes into our grief and our lives as the bereaved. We must view our losses in light of eternity, of Kingdom living and with the cross as the setting for our present sufferings.

To give us some perspective I have drawn on some verses of Scripture that I pray will not only give us hope, but give us a new desire - an opportunity to do more than just exist and survive the death of our loved one. I pray that this will give you the desire to live - truly live again in the comfort, peace and mercy of our God by extending that comfort, peace and mercy to others as He wipes the tears from your eyes.

Salve For Our Wounded Souls

Considering the following verses of Scripture:

"he will swallow up death forever. The Sovereign Lord will wipe away the tears from all faces; he will remove the disgrace of his people from all the earth. The Lord has spoken." ~ Isaiah 25:8 (NIV)

"The ransomed of the Lord will return. They will enter Zion with singing; everlasting joy will crown their heads. Gladness and joy will overtake them, and sorrow and sighing will flee away." ~
Isaiah 51:11 (NIV)

"and the ransomed of the Lord will return. They will enter Zion with singing; everlasting joy will crown their heads. Gladness and joy will overtake them, and sorrow and sighing will flee away." ~
Isaiah 35:10 (NIV)

"But Christ has indeed been raised from the dead, the firstfruits of those who have fallen asleep. 21 For since death came through a man, the resurrection of the dead comes also through a man. 22 For as in Adam all die, so in Christ all will be made alive. 23 But each in his own turn: Christ, the firstfruits; then, when he comes, those who belong to him. 24 Then the end will come, when he hands over the kingdom to God the Father after he has destroyed all dominion, authority and power. 25 For he must reign until he has put all his enemies under his feet. 26 The last enemy to be destroyed is death. 27 For he "has put everything under his feet." Now when it says that "everything" has been put under him, it is clear that this does not include God himself, who put everything under Christ. 28 When he has done this, then the Son himself will be made subject to him who put everything under him, so that God may be all in all." ~ 1 Corinthians 15:20-28 (NIV) [emphasis mine]

"When you were dead in your sins and in the uncircumcision of your sinful nature, God made you alive with Christ. He forgave us all our sins, 14 having canceled the written code, with its regulations, that was against us and that stood opposed to us; he took it away, nailing it to the cross. 15 And having disarmed the powers and authorities, he made a public spectacle of them, triumphing over them Iby the cross." ~ Colossians 2:13-15 (NIV) [emphasis mine]

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." 5 He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" Then he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true." ~ Rev 21:4-5 (NIV) [emphasis mine]

That term in Colossians 2:14 for "canceled" and in Revelation 21:4 for "wipe" is the Greek Word

exaleipho. Colossians 2:14 is translated more literally in The Complete Word Study New Testament (by AMG Publishers, Spiro Zodhaiates, ed.) as "blotted out" or "wipe away" in Revelation 21:4. That word in the Greek is a combination of two Greek words:

Ek - which means "out," and aleipho - which means "to anoint." The New Spirit Filled Life Bible (NKJV) (Hayford, ed., Thomas Nelson Publishers) explains the definition this way: "...to wipe out, wipe off, wash. Used metaphorically, the word signifies a removal or obliteration, whether of sins (Acts 3:19), or writing (Colossians 2:14), of a name (Revelation 3:5), or of tears (Revelations 21:4).

Let that settle down on you a minute. As God cleans away our tears and washes our faces removing the marks of grief in its season, He anoints us with His Spirit. If the Scripture is true which is found in Luke 12:48, then we must weigh the true purpose in our suffering or else it is all for nothing.

I submit this passage to you in context:

"The Lord answered, "Who then is the faithful and wise manager, whom the master puts in charge of his servants to give them their food allowance at the proper time? 43 It will be good for that servant whom the master finds doing so when he returns. 44 I tell you the truth, he will put him in charge of all his possessions. 45 But suppose the servant says to himself, 'My master is taking a long time in coming,' and he then begins to beat the menservants and maidservants and to eat and drink and get drunk. 46 The master of that servant will come on a day when he does not expect him and at an hour he is not aware of. He will cut him to pieces and assign him a place with the unbelievers. 47 "That servant who knows his master's will and does not get ready or does not do what his master wants will be beaten with many blows. 48 But the one who does not know and does things deserving punishment will be beaten with few blows. From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked." ~Luke 12:42-48 (NIV)

I found this commentary on the passage Luke 12:42-48 at Word of Truth Radio:

"The main idea here is that we are accountable for the knowledge, resources, abilities, etc. that God has blessed us with. If we have been given much, then He expects that much more from us. The good news is that all of these blessings come from the Lord and He realizes that humans are not perfect and that we can't do anything right without His help (John 15:5), but we can do all things through Jesus Christ as He strengthens us (Philippians 4:13). So let's ask the Lord to give us His wisdom and Spirit so that we can be faithful stewards over what He has entrusted to us. "And now, little children, abide in him; that, when he shall appear, we may have confidence, and not be ashamed before him at his coming."(1 John 2:28)"

If the truth is that when God wipes away our tears in His comfort that we are to receive that as an anointing to minister to others who are hurting as we do - then how should we respond? What will be held accountable for?

I often say that with great suffering comes a great anointing. King Saul of Israel (1 Samuel) received a great anointing to be the first King of all of Israel. Yet, he abused that anointing, even ran from it at first. He did not do as the Lord had bid him, He did not honor God with the anointing and God removed it from him. What will you do with the anointing God is giving you through the suffering of grief?

Mary, the mother of Christ, suffered much the way you or I have in our losses. She knew He was God's Son, but did that change her suffering as she watched her son tried and crucified as a criminal. Did it suffer her any less to know He was God's Son when He died there before her eyes? Did she have any less questions than you or I about why death came that day and why it had to hurt so bad to fulfill the call of God on her life? Mary was not divine, nor god. She was a woman of flesh and blood, limited and emotional just like you or I. Her son may have come back to assure those who loved Him He would indeed return again, but she still lived out the rest of her days in teh agony of separation from her firstborn child.

How did Mary live out those days?

We find her in Acts 1:13-14:

" When they arrived, they went upstairs to the room where they were staying. Those present were Peter, John, James and Andrew; Philip and Thomas, Bartholomew and Matthew; James son of Alphaeus and Simon the Zealot, and Judas son of James. 14They all joined together constantly in prayer, along with the women and Mary the mother of Jesus, and with his brothers." (NIV)

There she was among the apostles and the women who had traveled with and ministered to the needs of her son, even with her own sons she was among them praying and worshipping God. She chose life.

Mary did not give up when her life did not take shape the way she had planned, when it resembled more of a curse than a blessing. She made the choice to live on in her son's legacy, the Legacy of Christ. Mary chose to believe in the God whom she served, even in the death and pain of loss that came with surrendering her firstborn trusting more in the purposes of God than her own ability to understand.

Come, On... Sweet Friends... Let's live on in Christ, trusting our God. Our children's legacy did not have to die with them - they are carried forward in the lives of those who loved them, who tell their story and declare the praise of God so merciful that He meets us in our mourning, speaks to our grief and loves us through the most painful circumstances we could ever experience. He is God, our comfort, our strength and our ever present help in times of trouble. Trust Him, live on in His glory!

Grieving From God's Perspective

Natalie Grant sings a song written by Krista Wells called “Held.” The song is about a family who loses a child just a few months old. Toward the end of the song, the writer delivers this exhortation: “Can we not wait for one hour, watching for our Savior? This is what it means to be held…”

I don’t know what that means to you, but it has driven me again and again to place my loss against the backdrop of the cross only to find my suffering pales in comparison to that of my Lord in response to my sin.

Scripture and Christ, Himself, assures us that this life will be filled with sufferings, trouble and pain of many kinds (see Jn. 16:33). I beg to differ with anyone who says that strong Christians do not suffer loss the way others do. Scripture does more to confirm grief’s necessity in our lives and the fact that grief and loss will ultimately benefit us. (Jer. 29:11, Ro. 8:18, 28, 2 Co. 1:7, Php. 3:10, 1 Pet. 2:19)

Grief can strengthen, equip and more importantly give us a more intimate and more personal relationship with the heart of God.

Grief over sin and man’s spiritual death led God to send His Son, willingly, to the cross. For God grief began over the loss of relationship with His creation and ended in the death of His Son, Jesus Christ. (Gen. 6:6, Jn. 3:16) Through the cross, God delivered to mankind the overcoming power of resurrection. (Eph. 1:18-20).

If you have been asking yourself if you can still trust God, I live to tell you “YES! You can.” He has a plan and a purpose for your life and your pain. The question that now begs to be answered is will you allow God to redeem your Loss and Suffering as He redeemed His own – with the backdrop of the cross?

“18 the eyes of your understanding being enlightened; that you may know what is the hope of His calling, what are the riches of the glory of His inheritance in the saints, 19 and what is the exceeding greatness of His power toward us who believe, according to the working of His mighty power 20 which He worked in Christ when He raised Him from the dead and seated Him at His right hand in the heavenly places,” ~ Ephesians 1:18-20 (NKJV)

Our Bruises and Wounds

He is despised and rejected by men, A Man of sorrows and acquainted with grief. And we hid, as it were, our faces from Him; He was despised, and we did not esteem Him. Surely He has borne our griefs And carried our sorrows; Yet we esteemed Him stricken, Smitten by God, and afflicted. But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities; The chastisement for our peace was upon Him, And by His stripes we are healed.
Isaiah 53:3-5 (NKJV)

We have bruises and wounds from the various experiences of our lives.

Many of us find ourselves asking “Why did God allow this to happen?”

We can become caught in a trap that will entangle us and drag us under the murky waters of grief if we do not address our why’s and our other questions to God for answers. At times, I believe this is the hardest part of grief.

The sudden death of our child leaves us knocked down, in a state of unimaginable shock, waiting for the smoke to clear so we can see what is left of our lives.

I have found that there is a certain element of mystery to the Bible as God gives revelation and also withholds it for our good. We can’t just claim any promise in the Bible and believe it by faith without applying the universal principal that is attached to it.

When we pray the end of Isaiah 53: 5 over ourselves or someone else believing God for the healing of injury, disability or illness – we must view it in context. Jesus’ sacrifice did three things:

1.) Paid the blood atonement for our sins – bringing us Spiritual healing and renewal

2.) His bruises paid the price for our inner – the emotional and mental wounds and ailments we suffer in our lives. The bruises may come through traumas we’ve experienced in relation to others or even traumas we inflict upon ourselves. Our iniquities are the natural bent toward sin that we all have – His bruises from the beating and the shoving He endured covered all of that. Does that mean we will never have hurts or traumas in our emotional and mental lives? Will our souls never be traumatized again? No. It means that this is one way redemption brings healing to us.

3.) He was wounded – physically pierced and his flesh was broken for our willful transgressions. He paid the price for our physical wounds and the physical consequences of the sins we commit in our lives. We don’t have to suffer condemnation because the debt is paid in full. This is how we are healed by His stripes. Yet it often leaves us begging the question “If your Word promises healing, then why didn’t You heal my child, God?”

My honest answer to this question: “I don’t know.”

As humans our limitations and finite thinking often keep us from big picture viewing. I’ve only been able to realize this since my son died: We must claim healing in the context of God’s will, His plan and His greater purpose. Just as He withheld nothing to deliver to us the power and purpose of His redemption – giving His only, precious Son to suffer in our place – we must willingly submit our prayers and our loved ones to His will accepting that His goal in healing is ultimately the revelation of His goodness toward us and His glory to all the earth.

In my own suffering, God’s choosing not to change the circumstance and allowing my son to die has left me with three primary revelations:

1.) Living for the will of God is the only thing worth doing well in this life

2.) His grace is truly is sufficient, and made perfect in my weakness

3.) His glory is worth the price we have to pay to know Him more.

If we ignore our wounds and bruises and refuse to submit them to the will of God His glory will not be revealed in our suffering. Please know that even if you are hurting in the most unimaginable way, our God knows of that which you suffer – He bore it on the cross for us. Cry out to Him, Submit to Him and Watch Him be glorious in your life in spite of all you have lost.

Our God is our refuge. When calamity comes into our lives running to God is the only safe place to turn. His word says that He will not break the bruised… He is all sufficient for our sufferings and bore them Himself that we might know His strength and power to overcome. Healing will come, He paid the price for all.

“When calamity comes, the wicked are brought down, but even in death the righteous have a refuge.” ~ Proverbs 14:32 (NIV)

Painfully aware of how behind I am...

I will post you a devotion shortly! I am inside of 24 hours of leaving for San Antonio and I cannot wait. However, I also know that I have been thinking of my J-Bird.... He is celebrating his third anniversary in heaven this weekend and I just love him so so much.

God has been so faithful, so wonderful and this year I have experienced the Joy of the Lord returning in my life. It wasn't an easy thing to discover - it took two years of hard grief work and at times choosing joy even when I didn't really feel that joyful in my heart.

God is faithful, ladies and He is good - He will bless you beyond measure in every way if you trust in Him and surrender your wounded heart to His tender care.

Last Friday, on the anniversary of his accident, I was with my girlfriends from Life Group when I asked God to show me where He was that night three years ago.

He showed me three things:

1. Him holding my arms up as we praised Him for delivering Justin through his surgery that night.

2. Tenderly caring for my son while I went to get some sleep in preparation for the long hours of waiting that would come over eight days. He was indeed preparing him to go home.

3. In the hearts of all the people, the nurses and doctors as well as our family and friends who came out in droves to take care of us, pray for us and walk with us through that very difficult time.

Saturday, I will be getting ready for a P J Party at the hotel when the hour comes that my son finally made his journey home. God is good, is He not! Hold onto Him dear sisters, with everything you have got!

A Season of Grief

I posed these three questions with the Scripture on Monday:

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*How do you understand this verse of Scripture?

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* Do you realize that God appoints season of weeping and mourning in our lives?
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* Does it comfort you to realize that weeping brings laughter and mourning a time to dance?
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* What are we to do in our season's of grief?

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As I read and allow this Scripture speak to my grief, I hear God telling me grief is an appointed season of life. Just as the physical seasons of Spring, Summer, Fall and Winter are the natural progression of a year - so mourning and weeping are natural seasons of the human existence.

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For me this allows me to hold onto the hope that just as the bitter cold and desolation of winter is relieved by the warm sunshine and new growth of Spring... so it is with grief, there will come a day with our weeping will turn to laughter and our mourning to joyful dancing!

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We can read it. We can process it with our minds. But, will that truth every make its way to our heart. Like to Narnians under the rule of the white witch will be stuck in a perpetual state of grief that we never recover from?

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Again, as New Life Ministries assures us, "healing is a choice." It requires soul searching, Scripture believing, hard, gut-wrenching work. The expectation for life and this journey to be easy is not the promise of Scripture - over and over again we see the righteous taking the harder, more narrow way and finding their reward may even elude them this side of heaven. But, does that make the promises of God less valid or true. Are the true promises of God that we will experience a "WOW" manifestation of His blessing and miracles in our lives - yes, that could be true... But, what of those quieter, more subtle appearances... The gentle whispers in the midst of our storms that quiet our hearts and sooth our souls.

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I think the truer realization is the moments when the storm calms around us while it rages outside of the protection of our relationship with God. Galatians 5:22-23 promises us Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness and Self Control will be manifested all at the same time in our lives - no matter our circumstances when we surrender control and every circumstance of our lives to God.

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I've never know this to be more true than in that last year with Justin. Going to pick him up from the police on a cool October morning, having him arrested and hearing him beg me to get him out of jail, watching the slow stages of change and growth come over him in radical ways that summer - the uncertainty of the future mixed with the certainty of my faith... In all of those things I experience supernatural love, peace, patience, even kindness, even goodness, I found myself faithful to God's calling in my life, I found gentleness and compassion even when my son was out of control and violent, I found the ability to control my thoughts and emotions and my responses even when the circumstances were out of control. And more than all of that I found the Joy of the Lord. The joy does not come in such difficulty because I choose joy - it comes from the things I choose to submit to God in exchange for His joy. The fruit of the Spirit in Galatians 5:22-23 comes from my ongoing uninterupted relationship with God.

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I choose not to let my life circumstances and traumas steal the Joy of the Lord from me. To steal His Spirit and His influence in my life. Since that time, I have had to allow the Lord to lead me through the valley of the shadow of death - but I also have to understand that this is a season of despair and pain, but that pain will bring what God promises in Psalm 126:5 (NIV) "Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy."

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We must choose to live on in the Joy of the Lord, surrendering what hurts to the Healing power of God and allowing Him to walk us through this season to a place of truth, light and new life beyond our loss.

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SALVE FOR OUR WOUNDED SOULS:

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Psalm 126
A song of ascents.

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1 When the LORD brought back

the captives to Zion,

we were like men who dreamed.

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2 Our mouths were filled with laughter,

our tongues with songs of joy.

Then it was said among the nations,

"The LORD has done great things for them."

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3 The LORD has done great things for us,

and we are filled with joy.

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4 Restore our fortunes, O LORD,

like streams in the Negev.

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5 Those who sow in tears

will reap with songs of joy.

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6 He who goes out weeping,

carrying seed to sow,

will return with songs of joy,

carrying sheaves with him.

Lord Have Mercy...

* Do you find yourself in the midst of a time when your eyes cannot focus on the daily details of life much less where God is in the middle of all your pain? Yes/No and explain.

* How have you found grief to be physically, emotionally and mentally exhausting?

* What helps you to get through those times?
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As I weighed these questions, I thought about how the early stages of grief consumed my life. Avoidance, denial, physical illness, forgetfulness, mental and emotional exhaustion. It took me back to those early days just after the accident.
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The prayer of my heart those long and tedious hours sitting watching the numbers progressively rise as my son's brain continually swelled while his body lay still and looked quite normal to me. He appeared to be asleep, his summer tan still tinting his arms and cheeks. I whispered to him the second day as I swabbed his body with a soft white wash cloth.

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"Justin, we need you to rest, baby. Get well, don't fight - don't worry about us, just rest. We're all here, we love you and we need you back."

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I found a scab in his right ear and used the wet cloth to wipe as much of the dried blood away. Thinking it was merely the remaining blood from his head wound, I wiped at it a little too hard and he pulled his head away. It was the first sign of life I had seen since he had been sedated right after surgery on Monday evening. A few moments later as I washed his face, my hand brushed his eyelashes and they fluttered just a bit. Perhaps an involuntary response, but a sign of life just the same. Just enough for this momma to hang onto her hope.

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The next morning I came in to find the nurse was ignoring my son's rising brain pressure number and not talking to the doctors about it at all. I was upset by her lack of concern from my son's condition and made a promise to my son as I stood next to his bed.

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"Momma's here, baby, and I'm not going anywhere. They are going to have to run me out of here to get rid of me. About ten minutes later, they did. The full rotation staff came in and asked me to wait in the waiting room until they finished their exam. "I kissed his forehead and told him I would be right back."

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When I returned a half hour later, the nurse was busy trying to settle him back in. I was still holding on to the prognosis that some who were injured as bad as my son had awakened from worse injuries to return to normal lives. I wanted a miracle for my son.

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The nurse looked at me and said, "I don't know what happened, but as soon as you left all his numbers went off the charts!"

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I started laughing, "That's my son. I promised him I would not leave him unless you made me leave. Then a few minutes later I told him I was leaving. He went nuts because he thought I broke my promise."

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More hope, more life being seen. My son was in there, somewhere. I sang to him, bathed him, talked with him and sat beside him praying. That same night the nurse who had left him so "uncared" for the night before returned and I kept my promise. I stayed right by his side all night long. They moved him to a private room and he had a couple of good days. But, by Sunday evening, things were progressively growing worse.

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After they moved him to the private room I prayed differently. I spent all those hours in that room on my roll-a-way cot staring at the numbers watching him grow more and more still. The ventilator pumped a breath full of oxygen into his body rhythmically, the monitors beeped in time to his heartbeat and his brain pressure number slowly and steadily began to rise.

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The head nurse shared with me that we could be in the hospital with him in a coma for years and though there was a chance he would awaken and recover... We needed to be prepared for him to wake up in any state of disrepair, including the chance that he might not awaken at all. In that moment, as I considered that my life-loving, mischievious, wild at heart son might have to live the rest of his life as a child in a man's body... My heart and my prayer changed.

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Where I had asked for a miracle all those hours before, now I pled for mercy.

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"Dear Lord God, You can heal Him and if it is Your will - restore Him Lord, give us a miracle. But, God if he is not going to be able to live his life fully and enjoy it - then, Lord, please have mercy on my son and give me peace to accept it. In Jesus name I ask these things, Amen."

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My eyes filled with tears, my body growing wearier with sorrow... All I could think was that God was waiting for my baby if he didn't survive. I blessed my heart as the presence of God and His Holy Spirit filled the room in those last few days. You could sense and feel His presence at work comforting and ministering to my son's spirit as well as those of us who were preparing to say goodbye. I asked one final thing: "Lord, make is certain. If my hope is in Heaven, then leave no doubt." My son's brain hemorraghed sometime between 3:00 and 5:00 PM on Tuesday, August 23, 2005. Doctors called him officially brain dead at 5:00 PM in that same room where I had prayed for mercy, I also surrendered my son.

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It broke my heart to say goodbye, and as I left the building I remember being so weary of the hospital and the waiting. There was some relief that we now knew what to do next. But, the sorrow would encompass me in the months ahead. I would even grow sick, unable to cope with the simplest of tasks. I would forget to pay the bills I paid every month like the rent and phone. I would function in a realm of normalcy but all of it seemed to lack something vital - my heart.

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The funeral came and I cried the many tears we do in such a time as this. I remember feeling so lost as we returned to the church after the graveside service. I sat staring off into space, alone at the table without so much as a thought in my head. I was numb, exhausted and I had cried every last tear I could muster. I didn't even eat as I recall. My friends came over and pulled me to a table to themselves. There we sat and they told me funny stories that brought laughter in the moment but sadness later as I cried my heart out on the way back to my cousin's house where we had stayed since the day of the accident. I found a quiet couch in the back of the house and lay my body down to rest. I slept for hours undisturbed. I awoke to a dream and for many months I watched the doors and the horizon for any sign that my son would come home. My heart would ache, my arms grow weary of being empty, and I longed to hear his laughter and raspy voice just one more time. I wanted him back so badly and I would sit at his grave and ask God not to allow me to make him an idol.

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Somehow, I found my way through the weary, brokeness of sorrow to a place where the sun shines brighter and the trips to the cemetery are fewer and farther between. I can laugh without guilt, I can love without regret and though I still miss him in big ways... I know that someday we will stand in the presence of God together and bask in His glory as a family once again!

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He is not lost to me, just in the safest keeping I could ask for - resting in the arms of grace at the foot of the Throne of God. Heaven is a glorious place and if I cannot have him with me here, I can be okay with God having him there. To Him be the Glory.

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Salve for our wounded souls:

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Today as we think about the mercy we need for our weary and tired souls, let us look ahead to a place of total healing, total love and total grace: Heaven.

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Revelations (NKJV)

Chapter 22

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And he showed me a pure river of water of life,

clear as crystal, proceeding from the throne of God

and of the Lamb.

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2 In the middle of its street, and on either side

of the river, was the tree of life, which bore twelve fruits,

each tree yielding its fruit every month. The leaves of the tree

were for the healing of the nations.

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3 And there shall be no more curse, but

the throne of God and of the Lamb shall be in it,

and His servants shall serve Him.

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4 They shall see His face, and

His name shall be on their foreheads.

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5 There shall be no night there:

They need no lamp nor light of the sun,

for the Lord God gives them light.

And they shall reign forever and ever.

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6 Then he said to me,

"These words are faithful and true."

And the Lord God of the holy prophets sent His angel

to show His servants the things which must shortly take place.

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7 "Behold, I am coming quickly!

Blessed is he who keeps the words of

the prophecy of this book."

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8 Now I, John, saw and heard these things.

And when I heard and saw, I fell down to worship

before the feet of the angel who showed me these things.

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9 Then he said to me, "See that you do not do that.

For I am your fellow servant, and of your brethren

the prophets, and of those who keep

the words of this book. Worship God."

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10 And he said to me, "Do not seal the words of

the prophecy of this book, for the time is at hand.

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11 He who is unjust, let him be unjust still;

he who is filthy, let him be filthy still; he who is righteous,

let him be righteous still; he who is holy, let him be holy still."

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12 "And behold, I am coming quickly,

and My reward is with Me, to give to

every one according to his work.

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13 I am the Alpha and the Omega,

the Beginning and the End,

the First and the Last."

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14 Blessed are those who do His commandments,

that they may have the right to the tree of life,

and may enter through the gates into the city.

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15 But outside are dogs and sorcerers and

sexually immoral and murderers and idolaters,

and whoever loves and practices a lie.

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16 "I, Jesus, have sent My angel to testify to you

these things in the churches. I am the Root and

the Offspring of David, the Bright and Morning Star."

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17 And the Spirit and the bride say,

"Come!" And let him who hears say, "Come!"

And let him who thirsts come.

Whoever desires, let him take

the water of life freely.

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18 For I testify to everyone who hears the

words of the prophecy of this book:

If anyone adds to these things,

God will add to him the plagues

that are written in this book;

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19 and if anyone takes away from the words

of the book of this prophecy, God shall take

away his part from the Book of Life, from the holy city,

and from the things which are written in this book.

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20 He who testifies to these things says,

"Surely I am coming quickly." Amen.

Even so, come, Lord Jesus!

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21 The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you all. Amen.

What would my title be?

As my husband negotiated the sea of glowing red lights in the dusky skylight along Loop 820, I found myself revisiting old thoughts.

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The next exit is Beach Street, if we took the exit and turned left it would only be a few stoplights before we are passing through the intersection at Fossil Creek Boulevard. I barely notice the cars as we pass, all I can do is stare across the median trying to figure out where the fifty foot mark is south of the intersection. That is where his head struck the pavement after my son was thrown from the car he was riding in. Fifty feet, a little more than four yards would end my son's life. I try to picture him lying there, the paramedics working on him to bring him back to life. Tears sting my eyes as I notice a dead bouquet of flowers tied to a tree near the intersection. Did someone leave those for Justin?

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My eyes are burgeoning with hot wet wells of sorrow as I try to bring myself back from the incessant wandering of my mind. I revisit that day in mid-August 2005 often when I am in that part of town. The day our lives changed forever. .

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"People who lose their spouses are widows, children who lose their parents are orphans... but what would my title be?" Tears fall free a slow, single drop at a time as I give voice to a new thought.

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My husband meets my eyes for just a moment before returning his attention back to the road. He shrugs before saying softly, "I don't know." .

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My heart aches as the confusion begins to roll around like marbles dropped on a tile floor. The clattering and scattering of my thoughts seems to radiate to my stomach as a large knot forms there building up pressure and heating my cheeks. My hands shake and I know that it is going to be a difficult night at support group.
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Tonight my husband is going with me. I had to beg him to go... He never wants to be in that environment very long. His pain is different, his grief somehow lessened by the fact that Justin was my son and not his. At least that is the way I see it. He can't comfort me, he can't help me and he certainly can't understand me. Most of the time I am angry at him and I don't even know why. .

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A few days later I would learn my new title: Bereaved Parent. Bereaved parents are just one of many forms of the "bereaved" in our society. The definition in Webster's states bereaved is a noun meaning one who is suffering the death of a loved one. That definition feels so slight, so inadequate. It lumps my grief in with someone grieving a long lost family member as well as those grieving the death of their parents or spouse, even a friend or pet could be considered a "loved one." Yet, I am bereaved. Out of my mind off the chart bereaved.

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So crazy with grief that I would become so frustrate I would leave the house for hours at a time and turn off my cell phone because I feared saying something that I would regret to my husband or daughters. One such occasion I cried all the way through a movie and then went to Build-a-Bear where I created a little stuffed dog with scraggly hair and brown and white patches all over just so I could experience the process. I wanted to see what they did when they stuff them because Justin once went willingly to the store with a group of teenage girls from our youth. when one of the girls would not kiss the little heart they put inside, Justin readily did so on her behalf. The bear was a gift for the girls mother and just one of the endearing qualities of my boy that I fondly recall more often these days.

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I found the little, unstuffed mutt hanging on a peg protruding from the wall near the front of the store. I pulled him down and petted his fur telling myself I wouldn't buy it if there were no clothes that made me think of Justin.

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You may be thinking it is an odd thing for me to associate a little patched dog with my son, but that day... when his friends and he were in that accident... the police reported that my 220 lb. 6 foot plus son was hanging out the window of the tiny Mazda car he was in barking like a dog at passing traffic. So, every since that day, I have seen little stuffed dogs and thought of my boy.

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I wandered over to the "boy" clothes and found a little pair of khaki shorts, some boxer shorts and a striped red and navy polo shirt. I added a little red ball cap to my collection of stuff and proceeded to find shoes. After all, shoes seem to be very important to me. His shoes sit in the garage seemingly waiting for his return to use them again. I found a pair of shoes that resembled "skater" shoes and my ensemble was complete. I was buying a dog... a stuffed dog that is. I stood in line with very small children and grinned weakly.

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When it was my turn the teenager running the "stuffin' machine" smiled and said, "I'll only make you kiss the heart."
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She ran each child through a litany of exercises to ensure their new "pet" would live a good, joyful and fulfilling life because his/her "heart" was right. I kissed the little gingham heart I had selected and she tossed it in before stuffing him until he was just a little soft. After my dog was stuffed, I dressed him and took him to the "identification station." Here I would give him a name: Justin. I put in our address and his family's name. Then I went to "check out." I paid a whopping $50.00 for my little dose of Build-a-Bear comfort.

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My girls laugh out loud when someone new comes over and accidentally sits on Justin in the stray chair he is occupying. I yell, "Don't sit on Justin!" I then go and lovingly pick up my little dog and relocate him to a safer place.

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Weird? I know.

Necessary? Absolutely...

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Why? I don't know.

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I'm bereaved.

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It has been two summers since I first began visiting that little support group called H. O. P. E. where those who have lost a child meet weekly to Help Other Parents Endure. I found healing in those early months there. I was on my way and just needed to find some necessary Truth, Taking and cry a well full of Tears to find that place where comfort and peace seem to flow again. Today I can tell you that the Joy of the Lord is my strength, but it hasn't always been that way.

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My son, Justin Brant Newsom, went home to be with the Lord on August 23, 2005. He was involved in a two car collision at the intersection of N. Beach Street and Fossil Creek Boulevard on August 15, 2005. His injuries were numerous and severe. It was the head injury that would ultimately claim his life. Doctors determined he was brain dead on Tuesday, August 23rd just eight days after the accident. He was 17 years, 5 months 12 days, 3 hours and 18 minutes old. We buried him on August 27th and filled the sanctuary of our church to overflowing where I delivered the eulogy to every one's surprise.

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I tell them, as I will tell you: Any strength you find in me, any grace at all, will be of God and not my own will because in my flesh I am a squalling mess on the floor hating every aspect of this loss, but in my heart and my soul I know God has a plan and a purpose that will bring forth something good and a greater glory unto Himself. My son is in the safest keeping of all, in the loving presence of His Savior and Heavenly Father until I finally make the journey home when my life on this earth is through. His legacy lives on in the testimony and love of his family and I am so grateful for the 17 years I had with him. He was a gift and a blessing in so many ways.
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Feel free to share the stories of your loss and your children with me in the comments. If you will email me a photo and the name and sunrise (birth) date and sunset (death) date... I will prepare a post each month to introduce members and their children.

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Our next post will be Monday, June 2nd when prayer requests will be posted and prayed over. If you have a prayer request you would like to post please email me with your information and I will include it in my post.

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The Thursday Scripture we will be reflecting on is:

Please read this Scripture and even this Chapter of Scripture if you are up to it. Consider how the elements described by one who has suffered the loss of children is feeling. How does he describe himself? What does he note about what is happening around him?

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Until we meet again, Be Blessed.