Negotiating Firsts - A Message About Holidays

He has made everything beautiful in it’s time….
Ecclesiastes 3:11 (NKJV)

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Negotiating first holidays, anniversaries and birthdays as well as other milestone events can be one of the most difficult aspects of your grief season. It is probably because the more of these special family times that pass, the more real your loss becomes.

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My son left a muddy pair of tennis shoes sitting right outside the front door on the porch the day before his accident. Those shoes remained on the porch until we moved the next summer. They were then relocated – in their muddy glory to the back porch of our new home. Those shoes became important and if the suggestion was made that we should remove them or get rid of them I would – yes, FLIP OUT!

About a year after his death, those shoes were cleaned up and deposited in our garage. They still have a home in the garage. I see them each time the garage door is raised. I cannot bear to part with those shoes. Maybe someday I will, but not today.

This is not the only traumatic issue we have had. The first Christmas we had after Justin’s death was very, very traumatic for our entire family. You see – Justin was the one who would grumble and complain all day as he watched me lug the huge box containing our enormous Christmas tree out of the closet. He would mill around while I carefully and painstakingly assembled each branch and unfurled it so it appeared to be a “believable” fake tree for the holiday season. He would wait and watch all day while I went through this awful tradition – torturing myself and killing my back to make the house a beautiful holiday creation!

About bedtime, I would be tired, cranky and quite frankly a little smelly. He would come to my rescue – “Sit down, Mom. I’ll do the rest.” And so began our annual holiday tradition.

When the holidays began to approach after his death my husband seemed very indifferent while both my girls had very distinct and opposite opinions about how the decorations should be handled. The eldest wanted the Christmas tree but refused to help put it up. The younger wanted no decorations at all declaring the entire ordeal to be too painful even to think about.

I wanted a Christmas tree. It is my favorite time of year and my heart’s desire was to do something special but not particularly taxing for my family at Christmas. My solution? Purchase a new, improved – and much skinnier and shorter – pre-lit tree on sale at Garden Ridge. I saw the ad on television, I checked the bank balance and set out one cool December night while my family was at church to buy and decorate the most beautiful Christmas tree we would ever see.

Yeah right! While at Garden Ridge I found several ornaments that I could incorporate and of course there was the new angel for the top – since the old one simply would not do. The show – stopper in my mind, was the new, fancy Christmas stockings that I purchased special for this “new beginning” we were about to have. I went home unloaded the goods and set about decorating our house. By the time my family arrived back home I was done… I was sitting in a recliner amid a room full of emptied boxes and bags looking with great pride at my holiday creation. If I could have patted myself on the back I would have.

The girls came in took one look at the tree and stockings and lost their minds… I mean seriously. The eldest burst into tears and muttered in dismay, “Where are our stockings?”

The younger who had not wanted any tree at all, took one look at the new tree and said, “I HATE IT! You’ve changed everything.” She then ran up the stairs and slammed her bedroom door.

I stood up to defend myself and sat back down dumbfounded by their response. I looked at the tree, my weeping child and my confused husband. I declared, matter-of-factly, “Well, I like it and it’s staying. And that’s all I care about right now.”

The entire holiday was a bust. I traumatized my entire family and we were all a mess. We were supposed to be. Firsts are hard, they take a lot out of you and they are not very rewarding, but they pave the way for better days so just hang in there and hang onto God – He has a plan even when we don’t.

“I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.” Love, God.

(Jeremiah 29:11 MSG – emphasis mine)

On Forgiveness

A couple of weeks ago I wrote about the Lifetime Movie Network Premier of Amish Grace airing March 28th. You can read about it here. The occasion caused me to do some research about the subject of the Nickel Mines school shootings on October 2, 2006.

When I come to the place where I consider that time in my own life I realize my family and I months past the first anniversary of Justin's death. During that deeply emotional season I recognize now that the trauma and pain of others usually sent me running from news reports and stories of tragedy.

Hurricane Katrina blew in the week after Justin's death and I left the television off for days unable to cope with the misery of others while trying to process my own shock and giref. I imagine the Nickel Mines shootings touched me in much the same way.  It shocked and horrified me to think a place of such simplicity and community could be touched by such horror and tragedy.  I imagined the hearts of those families shattered into pieces and ached for their losses. I remember vaguely reminding myself when I heard of their extending forgiveness that their lives are so different than my own. They live in a different world, by a different set of rules and have a different sense of community. But, the question that still lingers in my mind is this: "Are They Really That Different?"
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So, before I go on I want to administer a few disclaimers:

1.) While I believe the Lifetime Movie Network's depiction of this tragedy brings to light the reality of human response to tragedy I would like to advise all who read this and the advertisement page on this blog that the depiction is based on a book called "Amish Grace" which is a researched look at the aftermath and response of the Nickel Mines school shoorting, but in the movie characters have been fictionalized and the story portrayed is fiction. Ida Graber and family are not among the victims of the Nickel Mines shooting and the Amy Roberts is not the name of the woman who was widowed when the gunman committed suicide.  In fairness to those who have objected to the creation of this film - I woud like to say that neither the book's writers nor the Amish community endorse the film.

2.) The point of this post is forgiveness - not whether of not the ficitionalizing of such a tragic event in near history is appropriate or not. It is simply to open the dialogue about forgiveness and the truth behind it.
3.) This is not just about the Nickel Mines Schoolhouse shootings, but about how our society responded to such an overwhelming sentiment of forgiveness and release.  That the virtue of a forgiving heart was dismissed as simpleton and unrealistic.

I pray your responses will bear in mind these points of clarification. My desire is to draw out discussion not create controversy.
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Imagine a world where forgiveness happened immediately and reconciliation, restoration and restitution were encouraged as a way of life. What would our world look like if our hearts were bent on forgiving even as the trauma and wound was being inflicted.

Read more about my response to the movie Amish Grace and the subject of forgiveness here.

A History Lesson...

September 1, 2009 goes down in my book as one of the most revelatory days in my journey with Christ I've ever had. I did my devotional reading that day in Genesis 1:1-Genesis 2:25 and the following is what I reflected from that reading:

First, I had some questions.

• I noted that God made significant distinctions regarding the lights in the heavens He created verses the darkness, and between mankind and the animals. Read it for yourself. I read the NKJV... but I'm sure there will be revelation in any translation. Particularly interesting was that He had made the sun and moon and stars to "rule over" His creation (Day/Night). And taht He made a significant distinction between how He set man apart from the animals. Man was made according to the image/likeness of God, but the animals each were created according to their own kind.

• My questions... Why? Why? What does that mean? So I asked the Lord to show me what He wanted me to know about Him.

After I asked that question, this is what I read: Genesis 2:4 "This is the history of the heavens and the earth..."

And at exactly that moment something in me came alive. It was like I suddenly knew why I was so curious at that moment. My journal reflects that glorious moment so much better than my memory does - so read on to learn what it meant to me:

"God has been writing a story...a history, rich with people, experiences, action, drama, struggle, victory, power, intrigue and beauty. But, these things are not the heart of what He wants the history to reveal. The history of the heavens and the earth reveal not just what God has done - they reveal who He is and what He desires to do... His plan.

The history of the heavens and the earth involve stories - stories about God, angels and people. It unfolds like a map across time and each story reveals a clue, a revelation about the manifest presence of God, His character, and His nature that points to the depravity of our human condition and nature as well as our utter need of His loving redemption and truth.

The history of heaven and earth reveals the lengths that love will go to reveal itself to the one who beloved.

My story tells a part of that - and by allowing me to choose, He has allowed me to come alongside Him and write the story He is telling through my life.

It really is all about Him and what He wants to do in and through me... That week God spoke to me about something He had showed me a long time ago. It was something I believed that was related to my husband and his ministry, but God said, "You have Healer and Restoration written all over you." Oh Lord, I told everyone that week that by Friday I could just go and fall on my face before Him I was so in awe and so blessed by what He was doing. He is so good. So beautifully, faithfully good. I love Him so.

Pitter Pat...

The rain is pitter-pattering on the sidewalk outside my house as I sit here this morning thinking about storms. The storms of life come and sometimes they are frightening, but mostly they are a time when you either face down your fear or you are controlled by it.



God's been teaching me about what it means to trust Him and walk in His peace these last few years. I'm not talking about the kind of trust that speaks of how much I love and depend on God, but the kind of trust that runs to Him in the storm instead of doing Tornado drills while making my children empty the closet under the stairs.



Several years ago, we were in the midst of a train of storms blowing through North Texas when the news began to report Tornadoes touching down not far from the small town we lived in back then. Justin had a friend from church over and we were all watching television when the report came in... I immediately began enlisting the help of my children emptying the closet under the stairs and then had them all "practice" running into the closet while I made the whooping sound of sirens. It was a crazy, chaotic and now as I look back on it hilarious moment in my sometimes querky life.



My children also remember that night vividly. I am oft reminded of it when the National Weather Service Emergency Alert begins to sound on the television. So... what does that have to do with how I began my post?



My youngest daughter, Taylor, has recently committed herself to the calling of God to be a missionary to Northern Uganda. It is no secret that Uganda is one of those countries that is very dangerous for its own people, much less missionaries. However, God has purposed Taylor for that very place on this planet and given her a heart to minister to and adopt children there who are either orphaned or ripped from their homes by the military and forced to fight in a war that few people understand. A storm... Possibly even a firestorm.



My oldest daughter is on the verge of moving about a half hour away and beginning her adult life in college on her own. With a constantly shifting culture and economy that leaves many uncertainties for her and us. A potential storm on the horizon...



Having been through the loss of my oldest child and the near dissintegration of our marriage in the aftermath, I find myself these days calmly riding out the natural storms where rain and thunder accent the background noise in our home and lightning dances across the sky. I am learning to trust God completely - not only with what happens to me but also with who I am. Trust does not happen apart from knowing the truth about that in which you've placed your trust. The more I learn about God through His Word, the more I understand His nature and His character. The more I understand His nature and His character, the more like Him I want to become. The more like Him I become, the more others see Christ in me. And the more others see Christ in me... The more He is glorified.



Recently God has asked me why I claim to trust Him so much when I don't trust the people He has placed in my life. I've had to grapple with that reality over the last few months. The truth I am learning about my relationship with God leaves me marked, changed and learning to let go of those things that hurt me so much about people and love with abandon, live without fear and hope without doubts. "If you abide in my word... You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free." ~ Love, Jesus. AMEN.

Telling the Truth in Love?

**UPDATE**

Please read the comment left by my friend at Shiloh Ranch. She articulates very well the questions I ask in this post. I'm going to spend time this evening evaluating my own questions in the only source of Truth - God's Word. I will post my response tomorrow morning or Sunday Afternoon in A New Post... Love you guys and thanks for coming alongside me in this.

Blessings.
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ORIGINAL POST:

Am I missing something?

Please help me out:

I am very troubled over what I see to be a broad movement in the Church - Please prayerfully consider the title of this post and write your comment about how it applies to disagreements of theology and doctrine. I have my thoughts on the subject and what I continually hear on public radio and read on the internet and in print.

Are there boundaries, parameters and limits to the work of Apologetics or are we to passionately
unabashedly espouse our differences without personally speaking to the person with whom we've taken offense?

My troubled heart has grown to overflow in repentance over this very issue and a desire to say more on the subject but only after consulting more of God's Word on the subject?

My questions:

How do we tell the truth in love?

How do we correct a fellow believer in error?

Is there a mandate to address such things in a pulpit fashion - or are we merely being like those we rail against?

Where is the line and have we crossed it?

God's Grace [PERIOD]

As I've written here, these last few weeks have been extremely painful and difficult for me. However, God has been so good in this time of anguished reality. Yesterday, I went to a group leader's meeting for my Bereaved Mothers group at church while my hubs attended the 9:00 AM worship service. The meeting was informative and refreshing.

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The last 45 minutes were given to the Executive Pastor of "Freedom Ministry" which is the department my group is classified under. Pastor Bob is one of my favorite teachers. He uses subtle humor, relational stories, he processes and thinks deep bringing relative worldly realities into the light by exposing the truth behind them and then he goes into exegetics a bit to firm up the revelation.

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He first thanked each of us for serving in ministry and partnering to help bring God's freedom to the lives of others through our experiences. Then he laid out the foundation of Freedom ministry for us: He doesn't just want us to be about the business of giving good advice, He wants us to bring Good News - and if the good advice points people to the Good News then we are all good.

He concluded our time together by talking about the will. That the world tells us to make better choices, try harder and do more to be better and more righteous - which, BTW, is a Pharisee attitude - (See Colossians 2:18-23). He said, "God's grace is not God winking at sin or giving us a license to sin." He went on to say that to fully embrace our identity in Christ and realize the weight of righteousness does not rest on us, but on God through the cross and resurrection of Christ and the empowerment of the Holy Spirit then we can realize that WE CANNOT TAKE ADVANTAGE OF GOD'S GRACE.

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Did you get that... ?

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Let me say it again. WE CANNOT TAKE ADVANTAGE OF GOD'S GRACE. What He offers is unmerited, unconditional favor - it is FAVOR, Ya'll. Favor we do not deserve, earn or receive as a reward - it is simply God's Love for us wrapped up in His favor shining upon us.

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As Pastor Bob was teaching on this a particular issue began to resonate and rise to the surface.

The issue? The statement I made to my daughter the day this entire mess began to unravel. "I must be gracious to my husband as the Lord has been gracious to me."

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This last week fear and disappointment threatened to rob me of my desire to serve my husband and bring healing to our relationship by meeting his needs. I even said to him, "When do I get to be the one who was violated? When do I get to be the one who is hurt? Why do you take and take and take but never give anything back?"

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You see, in my head I can process that my role is to be the covenant redeemer and to seek restoration in spite of what my husband's response is and not because of it. But in my heart, the wound is deep and old and it has been cut many times. My fear is that my husband will receive all I have to offer and I will be left empty and without return... I fear he will take advantage of the grace I have found myself offering him and not learn the lesson of his mistake.

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In Other Words, I've begun to think that my response to his offense is enabling him to minimize the consequences. CO-DEPENDENT THINKING AND CO-DEPENDENT BEHAVIOR. That says that my desire to please God in my actions depends and is influenced by my husband's response.

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So as Pastor Bob is saying, "You cannot take advantage of God's grace for you...."

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I'm suddenly realizing that the grace I am offering my husband is not grace based on my feelings or my wounds or even how he responds to what I am doing in this circumstance... But, instead - it is grace offered based on Grace received. I am merely being an extension of God's love and grace to my husband in this time of sorting, mending and reconciling.

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I shared with the group, "Since that is true, that means if I offer the same grace to others who hurt me that God has given to me... Then, they cannot take advantage of my grace either."

He had me repeat that again, and then said he was going to write it down. He summed up what I said, "You mean you are not going to live in a co-dependent relationship."

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Yes, absolutely! Talk about truth that will set you free!

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Love ya'll - Hope this blesses your socks off as it did mine. To realize that my forgiving my husband for his hurtful behavior toward me as a demonstration of God's grace and love at work in my life is not giving him license to hurt me again, but instead it is giving him the unconditional favor and opportunity to live in and experience the grace of God at work through me. Now that is the hands and feet of Jesus in action and the work of the Holy Spirit taking down my walls and strongholds.

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GLORY! Excuse me, I need to go put my face to the ground and humbly thank my God for freedom and revelation on a beautiful Sunday morning in January! Be Free... God's Grace [PERIOD] that's all I need.

A New Jerusalem... Installment #2

Well, I've pretty well broken down the first verse of my Vision Quest Scripture:

Jeremiah 33:6-9 (AMP)

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Behold [in the future restored Jerusalem] I will lay upon it health and healing, and I will cure them and will reveal to them the abundance of peace (prosperity, security, stability) and truth. And I will cause the captivity of Judah and the captivity of Israel to be reversed and will rebuild them as they were at first. And I will cleanse them from all the guilt and iniquity by which they have sinned against Me, and I will forgive all their guilt and iniquities by which they have sinned and rebelled against me. And [Jerusalem] shall be to Me a name of joy, a praise and a glory before all the nations of the earth that hear of all the good I do for it, and they shall fear and tremble because of all the good and all the peace, prosperity, security and stability I provide for it.

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Again: I want to insert a strict disclaimer - THIS IS NOT A DOCTRINAL THESIS. It is a Scripture God has given me to develop a vision for my marriage and my family - if it is useful to you then please glean from it all you can. But do not construe this as a foundation for doctrine. God's Word is living and active, it brings forth His plans and His purpose. Now... On with the vision.

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First of all - the Symbolism:

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This was written from God's perspective and spoken through the Prophet Jeremiah toward a Captive Israel.

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From the moment I read the first line of this verse I knew God was doing a new thing. I stopped, turned to my husband and read each word out loud. As I did, the picture began to form. Pieces of a puzzle falling into place:

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Jerusalem. This was not only the place of worship for all of Israel, the home of the tabernacle. But, it was also the Heart of the Promised Land - For me this represents our marriage. The heart of our promised land is a healthy, restored and prosperous marriage relationship. Restored not only to one another, but fully reconciled with God as well. Our marriage should be where worship and relationship with the Lord eminate in our home. It will be just as God has described it in verse 6.

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The Captivity of Judah and Israel. Two Houses of this nation: This represents our two families blended into one. Our lineage, strongholds and bondage to sin and predisposition to willful transgression - all the ways we sin against the Lord.

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I hear God speaking this promise is His own voice over us...

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VERSE 6:

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Behold... "Look, I have something here I want you to see and remember. Take it in with your senses and experience it fully."

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[in the future restored Jerusalem]... Jerusalem became the heart - the place where all of Israel worshipped and met with God -the domicile for the Tabernacel. Jerusalem had been utterly destroyed when Jeremiah penned these words. Much like my marriage to Scott was set for destruction. Our walls, like the walls of Jerusalem, have been reduced to rubble, our hearts have been taken captive by the lies of the enemy and scattered away from one another. Jerusalem, like my marriage, was a mess.

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Jerusalem represents The Heart of our Marriage and Family. (Scott's Heart and My Heart beating in one accord)

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The promise of redemption is a new Jerusalem, a new heart.

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A PROMISE OF THINGS TO COME = "Future Restored."

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I will lay upon it health and healing... The full restoration of our marriage will result in a healthy relationship and complete healing of our hearts and wounds.

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"Lay Upon It..." He will cover and protect us until we are whole.

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I will cure them... Not only will we be healed for this season, but we will be CURED. Once the work of this season is over we will be free of all the associated pain, patterns of behavior, broken places, time lost and transgressions - All of this will be COMPLETELY REDEEMED AND RENEWED - MADE NEW AGAIN.

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and will reveal to them the abundance of peace (prosperity, security, stability) and truth. There will be GREAT revelation that delivers MORE THAN ENOUGH PEACE, MORE THAN ENOUGH PROVISION, MORE THAN ENOUGH SECURITY, MORE THAN ENOUGH STABILITY, AND MORE, MORE, MORE TRUTH - MORE OF JESUS AND HIS PERSPECTIVE IN OUR CIRCUMSTANCES. SWEET FREEDOM!!

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Tomorrow, I will break down and relate VERSE 7. Until then... Be blessed!

RENEW Your Mind...

Beth Moore has a great tutorial for Scripture Memorization up at her LPM Blog. She has encouraged her readers to join her in memorizing two verses a month through the year 2009.

This year, God gave me John 8:32 just before New Year. "You shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free." I already had that verse down in my head so my first verse had to be something new: "Lord, who may abide in Your tabernacle? Who may dwell in Your holy hill? He who walks uprightly, And works righteousness, And speaks the truth in his heart." Psalm 15:1-2 NKJV

I cannot tell you how many times in the last fourteen days that a new realization would come to me that would bring me pain. I would say, "If this is the truth, then the truth shall make me free." Or if that realization would be one I would like not to accept, or maybe one I would like to act upon and take revenge about.... I would remind myself: "Those who abide with God walk uprightly, work righteousness and they TELL THE TRUTH IN THEIR HEART." I must accept what has happened before I can move forward in this process. Pretending something didn't happen or that it was less than it was is not telling the truth in my heart. It is deceptive, it is futile and it brings destruction. Denial is the worst form of deception because we do it to ourselves.

What "WORD" has God given you for 2009 and how are you applying it to your life today?

Thank you Jesus that in spite of our realities, You alone are the Truth that sets us free. I love you so.

Rediscovering...

Everybody falls into routines and gets in a rut every now and again... Right? We begin to take things for granted, forget to prioritize and before we know it the whole world is spinning around a Dayplanner, a TV Guide and our kids schedules. Add church and work committments to any social engagements and you have a recipe for losing touch with one another... A Recipe for DISASTER. That is exactly where my husband and I have been these last four or five years.

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DISILLUSIONED.

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DISAPPOINTED.

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DISAGREEING.

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DYSFUNCTIONING. All over the place... Talk about a Misfire.

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My Man, Scott. He is the Love of My Life.

A Gift from God to me.

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Scott is quiet, easy going and loves all manner of sports. Spectator, participation, game fishing and hunting... And he enjoys playing video games. He is competitive to the bone, and well with competition comes a strong... Did I say STRONG? Yes, a STRONG. DESIRE. TO. WIN. He has a Warrior Spirit.

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He is strong, handsome and rugged. He has a great laugh and a smile that can turn me into a puddle in the floor in two seconds flat. He has a huge heart and loves to play with children. He can see my soul with those "MOOD EYES" of his. I'm not kidding. When he is angry they turn a dark and stormy gray. Other times he can be discouraged or sad and they turn blue. Most of the time when he is just in his routine they are a smoky hazel color, but when he is feeling amorous and looking on me with those eyes I see the color of Fresh Sliced Limes. A cool, refreshing green. No kidding, those eyes on me make my stomach quiver and my knees weak. All he has to do is look my way. And, that's the thing... We spent everyday after of the last four years together without really seeing each other.

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I confessed in my last post that I have largely taken him for granted and wounded him in the process. The truth is this: when Scott came into my life I was by every measure of the words: MESSED. UP. I had been abused, neglected, unloved and needy in the area of men since my middle teenage years. I didn't believe in love, the fairy tales I had grown up believing I would live or that a really good man existed anymore. In short, besides my father... Men leave. They leave you broke and broken. Wounded. Alone. They just leave. I was good for a while, but not a lifetime... Or at least that is the message I received over and over again.

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Scott came along with his own baggage. Baggage he might have wanted to keep packed away in a closet in the recesses of his mind somewhere - but, Scott married a "digger." I don't want to be with my man, I want to know I am in his heart and on his mind and I'm not competing with anybody for first place. I want to know about his past and how it affects our future. I just want to know every stinking detail. I want to hold onto him, love him, be near him and just stare at him if I want to for a whole afternoon or more. I love being in his arms where I have felt so safe. Loving my man is what I believed I had been put on this earth to do. So What Happened?

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Life happened. That's what.

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Blended families are never easy. Put a dreamy-eyed, obsessive-compulsive woman with worthiness issues in charge of the new family home and you've got unhappy kids, a confused husband and emotional turmoil errupting all over the place. I wanted us to be "One Big Happy Family." Yeah Right?

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We had two oldest boys - Alpha Males, if you will. Two youngest girls - Princesses no doubt. And we had one girl who remained neutral like Switzerland until recent months. I routinely would set about making new "family" traditions. Required family interaction and truly believed we were the Brady Bunch minus one and in desperate need of a housekeeper. Not really! I'm pretty good at the housekeeping game if I set my mind on it. It just NEVER. Did I say Never? Yes, It is NEVER a priority.

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Hubs and I stopped sitting next to each other while we watched television. We rarely went to bed at the same time and often I felt shut out and alone. Eventually we stopped doing things together most of the time. And after Justin died, I shut him out, too. I didn't know how to reach him, I needed him desperately and I was afraid that my emotional state would drive him further away. I played it strong. I played it long. I went my own way. I returned to destructive patterns and tendancies from my past. I felt REJECTED. ANGRY. ALONE.

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I poured myself into prayer, God and the calling I sensed He had on my life. I pursued it with the passion I had once sought after my husband with... And Scott had a new Competitor to match against. My God. I wish I could say that I didn't know things were wrong and growing worse all the time, but I did. I just felt helpless to undo the damage. He wouldn't talk so I would try to confess, but his lack of response to my confessions discouraged me and drove me further away.

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In August I realized my husband's heart was hard and I was the primary reason for that hardness. Yes, he made choices, too. But, for me - it was undeniable. Both God and Scott's Wife had no place in his life any longer. I had run off and left him there stuck in the muck of our marriage and pursued what I wanted and needed more than anything else - to be validated, appreciated and valued. I found it in a room full of women who heard my voice, saw my tears and responded in love. I turned to those friendships in place of the confidence and love of my husband and I failed him in every way.

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I confessed all of this to him then, but he did not have ears to hear it. I asked him weekly - "Is everything okay between us?"

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His answer was always the same. "Yes."

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"If it weren't would you tell me?"

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His assurance, "Yes, I would."

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Okay... So I pressed on. Growing further and further apart.

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Three weeks or so ago my husband exploded on me and poured all the hurt and angry feelings he had been harboring in his heart against me. He laid it on hard and thick and all I could do was weep and apologize. Sit at his feet and ask his forgiveness. I was heartsick, heartbroken and awoke the next morning with fresh vision and invigorated to restore what had been lost. But how? I was still guessing. The only iron clad thing I knew I could do to help him was to be more than on time - but, be early when getting ready to go somewhere. So, I pressed the envelope.

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The weekend after Christmas I also learned I was not the only one with sins to confess. My husband's choices began to come to light in high fashion. Some of my worst fears were realized, and others were allayed. I confessed to God in those early moments as the crisis point threatened to rob me of my faith... "I can't do this... I'm not strong enough."

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God said, "Yes, my child, you are. You have all the strength you need in you in Christ. He is in you. Trust that."

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I persisted in my argument, but each time I heard - "Yes, you can."

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My husband is not a bad man... He is a wounded man. A disappointed man... A man confused about life and his value to me. A man who lost sight of God and in those moments of weakness sought to escape the pain of his life. It could happen to anyone of us... It happened to him. The harder I pressed into God, the further away he ran. I made him a man without honor. I destroyed the man I hoped he'd become with my pressing and pushing... My willfulness and yes, even my rebellion. My faith overshadowed him like nightfall and my personality doesn't leave much room for a partner. All the things I longed for I systematically shut down in my marriage with the choices I made.

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We have spent the last week and a half sorting through the messiness of all our confessions. Forgiving and apologizing over and over again. Truth is prevailing. Love is prevailing. God is prevailing. We took the "Five Love Languages" test from Dr. Gary Chapman's book and I was so blown away and humbled by his responses.

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After we took the test and shared our love language results, we exchanged answer sheets. I read each statement and felt like my eyes were opening for the first time the man inside that I so longed to know and love. I wept tears of regret and tears of joy all at the same time. I read and re-read the statements and they were like water to my parched and aching heart. A refreshing view of my husband's heart. He, on the other hand, looked like the cat that ate the canary. He was so pleased with outcome of his test ... I had to laugh as I confessed, "I would have never put that on you... Never in a million years."

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With a playful waggle of his eyebrows he said, "SURPRISE!" And Surprise was a good word for it.

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A gift renewed.

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Our love languages are actually very compatible and very complimentary to one another. We began to explore the nuances of our particular language and expressed our love in renewing and refreshing sorts of ways. The more we activated our love languages and met the others needs, the more we talked about what had been underlying all the pain and hurt we had been feeling and pushing each other away with.

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To God's glory, He has walked each step of the way with us. Our hearts still hurt in immeasurable ways, but God is working healing out as only He can. We are simply complying.

At Christmas I had no clue what to do next...

But these pictures tell a story my heart has been longing to hear.

Me and My Man. I do love Him so...

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This morning as we sat in the car and shared our quiet time, this is the verse of Scripture that God shared with us... "Now I will tell you what the Lord has declared: He said to me, "You are My son. Today I have become your father. If you ask Me, I will give you the nations; all the people on earth will be yours." Psalm 2:7-8

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We prayed together and this time I started and he closed... these last few days he has started and I have closed. I prayed for all that we discussed in our few moments of quiet surrender. I confessed, praised, made intercession and waited. My husband then began to pray, his struggle was great. But, for the first time I heard him say the words of confession I needed to hear. He confessed to God that he had been wrong in the two primary choices he had made that hurt our marriage. I wept and felt something physically being removed between us. He has prayed for our marriage consistently when we pray together and he is committed to seeing this through. I've never been more humbled or more proud of my man.

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As I lay in his arms last night, I asked, "Did you think of me today?"

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His reply: "Yes."

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"What did you think?"

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"How much I missed and how good it would be to see you again."

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Glory to God our hearts are being restored to one another. And I can say once again:

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"I have found the one that my heart loves." Song of Songs 3:4

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