I have to confess that I had a "bad" night. Yesterday I wrote about receiving the message of Mother Teresa's "paradox" quote. Well, last night I had such an opportunity to demonstrate it to my daughter and I BLEW IT BIG, BIG TIME.
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Why is life like that? We think we "got it" when we really don't. Humility. Humility. Humility. I hear it running through my mind like the refrain to an old hymn. Okay... So onward. Pray for my girl, Taylor and me... And my friend, L... not the same L from yesterday but L. We have had such good progress in our relationship these last few months but yesterday some things surfaced and boiled over --- and it was quite messy. Quite Ugly. Ugly crying everywhere.
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Well, that leads into this morning. Yesterday hubs effectively gave me permission to do something I am totally excited about. I was invited to be one of many who will be providing personal ministry sessions for women who sign up at the conference Gateway is hosting. Pray for me - pray for that... Freedom is the word. He said YES! I said, CONFIRMED.
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So this morning I went to my very first meeting with my friend, Deana. She is a dynamic and relational teacher and passionate woman of God. She arranged a meeting with three other women she is calling the 'Pillar Intercessors.' We are the sub-leaders of an intercessory team who will be praying before, during and I'm going to even be praying after the conference like nobody's business.
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Oh, it is so exciting. Our vision is blended, our goal being set forth and the mercy, love, grace and joy of our Lord poured out on us as we excitedly shared and attentively listened to God shape the vision and the foundation for an awesome opportunity.
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So what happens next? I call my husband and ask him to come and pick me up. He arrives. The women are bragging on him and how nice it was for him to drop me off and pick me up. Then we walk out to the car.
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Our conversation goes something like this:
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Me: So, I didn't realize all that was going to be involved or what this would look like when I agreed to it... But, in the fall I committed to be an intercessor for Pink Impact. I know I talked to you about it but with everything going on back then I'm not sure you'll remember.
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Him: So what does that mean?
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Me: First, I will have to be at all three days of the conference. I had only planned to attend part of it, but now it seems I will have to be there for the entire event. Second, the next three Saturdays we are going to meet back here to pray, press in and develop more unity as we pray.
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Him: Oh. (Tight Jaw, Silence.)
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I knew I had said something that he did not want to hear. So, me being me... I ask:
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"Is there something wrong?"
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Him: I guess not.
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Me: Was I not supposed to agree to that? It is a committment. Is that all right with you?
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Him: (tense, exhales) I guess so. (silence.)
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Me: Is there something bothering you?
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Him: Well, I kind of wanted to go fishing sometime those days.
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Me: Well you could... Just maybe not so early. We can work that out.
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Him: I guess. (Disappointed.)
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Turns out that my husband and I are still on very different pages. And, for me right now this moment that is okay. However... In the car on the way to the bowling alley to watch his daughter bowl -- I was not fine. I was frustrated, but not angry (new). I just sat there praying, listening and hoping for revelation. The temptation was great to criticize and condemn, but I just listened.
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Then my husband admitted that having one vehicle is a disappointment to him. I understand that... It is tough on me as well. But here we are. So, what to do?
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I told him where I am in all of that. I admitted that for a long time in my life I had not lived in a place where whatever God provides for me is enough. I just hadn't. Then, a few years ago I began to earnestly pursue that place of abundance and satisfaction. Living in the overflow of His grace.
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This year is the first year where I am beginning to realize the fruit that I've been sowing for... earnestly. I confessed all of that to him and said, "And right now, as you speak, I hear what you are saying, but I hear this, too. 'Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will be added unto you.'"
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I reminded my husband that God wants us to seek after Him with everything we have - and if what we desire most is a way to escape or meet our own pleasures and desires then even when we attain that which we most desire - it will never be enough. We will always be disappointed if God is not at the heart of what we want and we are not satisfied with Him first.
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My husband's one word response, "TRUE."
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I later was sitting in the bowling alley and heard God whisper, "Can't you really see what is happening?"
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I knew it from the moment He asked.
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Last night as I was trying to prepare a nice, pleasant dinner - one of our FAM FAVES (Chicken and Dumplings)- I was listening to my critical spirit and the promptings of the enemy to pick out and on every little thing my daughter did or was doing wrong. I tried to be gentle but when she lashed back at me - it was on. I couldn't seem to stop myself. I lost control. I was so angry with her, so hurt by her. I just let myself go...
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Not a godly example at all. I had to humble myself while still being Mom. (NEW) Usually I just demand my position without any concessions even if I am out of line. My hubs was also great. He has agreed to be the intermediary between me and her and take on the role of "father" to her that her real dad is not meeting in her life.
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Then this morning after an intense revelation and fellowship time in His word and prayer. I got in the car and it was like the enemy was poking Scott in the ribs and saying, "See... Nothing's really changed... See..."
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Before I knew it we were in conflict. Thank you, Jesus, that Your Word promises us that IRON Sharpens IRON. And even conflict can be for our good and Your glory.
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He is fishing right now.
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Please pray for us and me especially as it seems the enemy is attacking me through my family and a few of my old strongholds. [CHECK] Need to pray through that whole Critical Spirit thing.
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Love ya'll.
