Thought Filled Thursdays: Trauma, Triggers, Troubles... Truth to Stand On

I wanted to write a post about trauma, triggers, things that trouble us and some truth to stand on in the days to come. I've long said that there are three primary things that got me through my grief: Truth, Talking and Tears. I have reached a place where the tears mean and come for different reasons than they once did, and I must admit that I had a period of time where it felt as if I couldn't cry another drop of wet sorrow over my son - even if I wanted to. I just felt all cried out. Still... The tears are important, as are the things that triggered them and the truth that I discovered in them when I talked about my loss, my God and the places I had been with Justin since we began this journey together some 20 years ago..

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Tammy wrote a terrific post about things that trigger her memories, her tears and her to work through her grief. Be sure to read about it here. It is such a reminder about the importance of allowing your heart and body to fully express grief as it comes in your life.

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I am a visual/audio person. Images and music tend to have a significant impact on me for some reason - so as I was beginning to write this post a few scenes came to mind and along the way that song at the end landed on me with a deep sense of truth tucked away inside of it.

(**Tissue warning... Tissue Warning... Sobbing scenes ahead.**)

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The first two video clips are from Terms of Endearment staring Shirley McClaine and Deborah Winger. This movie was produced in 1983. I remember being a high school student when my brother and I hosted a sleepover for all our neighborhood friends. Four girls and four boys were sitting in my bedroom floor watching this movie in the middle of the night. All four girls were blubbering and wiping their noses in a full on ugly cry while the boys looked on in awe at all that estrogen charged emotion.

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For me, Shirley McClaine fighting for her daughter was like those last few days of Justin's life when it felt like the world had stopped and all I wanted was to take care of my son and make sure everyone responded with his best interest at heart.

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For many days no one would tell us what was happening with my Jay-bird. He lay in that bed, his blood pressure and temperature were looking really good. With his summer tan on his face he looked so peaceful sleeping there. But, his cranial pressure - the indicator for the severity of the swelling on his brain - just kept rising. On the seventh day, Monday, August 22nd, everything in my life felt upside down. The doctors had come in early while I was away and my dad was with him. I had returned home overnight to go to my own doctor and take my daughters to school. They said that one of his pupil's had stopped responding to light which could mean that he was taking a turn for the worst. My dad called and I prayed. "Lord, please... just let him be alive when I get there."

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I had told the doctors for days that we wanted the complete, unvarnished truth. By noon, when the neurosurgeon's had avoided my son's room and talking to me for the second time I was a frantic mess. I was crying, shaking and ANGRY. I felt much of what Shirley McClaine expresses in this scene - except my son didn't need a shot for pain. I needed answers about his condition - answers no one seemed willing to provide.

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The social worker assigned to be our advocate during Justin's eight day ordeal at the hospital advised me to call the doctor's office and ask them to help me. I went back to the nurse's station. Within minutes I was on the line with a Physician's Assistant who had not even seen my son in the hospital. He placed me on hold and reviewed my son's file and films. I felt like I had been there forever when he came back on and said, "Ma'am, though I have not examined your son I would say that we need to do a test and I will order it for tomorrow or the next day. This test will measure the blood flow to your son's brain."

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I already sensed what the results of that test would be... Still, at least I had some sort of answer to what the doctor's were thinking. He assured me that we would have definitive answers about my son's condition after this test was completed. I asked my husband to call the elders and have them come along with our pastor and family. I did not want to deal with people - I just wanted to have those who'd loved us longest and those who had been there for my son during the most difficult months to pray with us over him before we released him to God. Apparently, Scott did not convey that message. That night more than 150 people arrived at the hospital and my father "ran the tour." When the nurses gave him the heads up that he could bring as many people back as he could - four at a time - he began walking out and leading people back to the room for five minute visits where he explained all the details of the monitors and held onto his hope that my son was going to live.

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I, on the other hand, had been sitting on my cot while his nurse, Donna, checked his pupils as was the hourly routine. When she looked up with discouraged eyes that showed me a heart aching for our family all she could do was whisper. "We've lost his other pupil."

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The finality of those words lay over me like a thick, suffocating blanket. My son had slipped away. I felt the warm wet tears that had been mine for days as Justin's condition hit peaks and then dove into valleys ... "That's not good is it?"

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She shook her head, came to my side and sat and held me in her arms as I cried. She wept, too. It touched me in the deep places of my heart the way the staff of the hospital loved on us and met with us in our need. They took good care of my baby and my family during those awful days when tragedy visited us and death consumed one of our own.

These next scenes mark out some of how I felt on August 23, 2005. Such peace in the passing, but then terrible angst. One of my prayers that week was for God to make the outcome sure. Either He was going to heal and restore my son or He wasn't this side of heaven. By that last day, my heart cry was not to bring my son back in a broken state, but to make it absolutely certain and to leave no doubt about God's will. When the doctor's told us that they were sure his brain stem had hemorrhaged on his way back from the last test and they would be in to turn off his ventilator so we should gather our family... Again I felt peace mixed with deep sorrow.

Certainty.

There was not absolution for me until they turned off the machines and there was no gasp of air, no shaking, nothing that suggested my son was still in that body. He had slipped away quietly while no one was looking. He tread the path to heaven with Jesus by his side and I knew with absolute certainty that he would never awaken to me on earth again. The sobs of death consumed me as that truth settled into my life for the first time. I bathed his body, held him tight and left him to the medical examiner. He still is my son.
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The Steel Magnolias funeral scene has always reduced me to tears. The things that M'lynn expresses at the funeral reflected my own heart about the death of my child. She recounted the last minutes with "there was no gasp, no tremble - just peace" She said her husband couldn't take it, he left. Her son-in-law couldn't take it... he left. That men, "they're supposed to be made of steel or something, but they couldn't take it... I was there when that beautiful creature drifted into my life and I was there when she drifted out. It was the most precious moment of my life."
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I felt all that and more in those hours leading up to and out of my son's death. I recently asked my husband where he was standing when they turned off Justin's machines. His answer? By the door. He spent little time in the room with Justin and I, barely able to stand the "frankenstein-esque" monitor in his skull and all the bleating machines and wires that ran to and from his body.

Since I've given you some heavier scenes to contemplate earlier I thought I would drop this next one in because it makes us laugh. It so accurately expresses the full range of anger, emotional tumult and that uncanny role of humor in our tears that can come in times of great tragedy.

This final scene was met with a round of cheers as my daughters and I watched this serial drama for teenagers. One Tree Hill is on the CW (formerly the WB) each week and we've followed it off and on from its inception.

This scene is between the original group of One Tree Hill who are now adults and teachers in the life of a teenager who was killed when he accidentally walked in on an armed robbery at a gas station. I include it because there is truth to stand on in these lines... and it is truth hard to find in the entertainment industry these days. When others are crying out that self-awareness and getting in touch with your inner child or nature, and society says we create our own realities... Here is this little serial drama that does not get it right half the time declaring the truth for all to see. Thank God He uses even the mundane to reveal Himself in small ways.

There's an old saying "God will not give us more than we can bear." But, as I read the Scriptures I hear the Holy Spirit saying something fresh in 1 Corinthians 10:12-13 "Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall. 13 No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it." (NKJV, emphasis mine)
God is faithful to keep us from being pushed beyond our limits. In and of our own power and strength we have nothing, Scripture tells us that His strength is made perfect in our weakness - meaning it is proven powerful in the weakest, most devastating moments of our lives. When I read 1 Corinthians 10:13 it speaks this to me: "God will not give us more than HE can bear." That passage says that with God I can withstand any trial, any suffering, any temptation and overcome because He makes the way.
Paul reports in his epistles as having been afflicted by a thorn in the flesh that He prayed three times to have removed. But, rather than removing the thorn, God provided him the grace to endure the tempest and the storm. God will provide the same for you. He is the God of all comfort. He sustains those who are weak and hurting. He comforts those who suffer and mourn and He gives grace and strength to those who feel as if they cannot go on. He causes us to stand. We have a Rock in Jesus Christ upon which to STAND FIRM. So .... my friends, Stand. When you think you'll give up. Stand. When you're down on you're luck. Stand. Get up... Can't you hear Him saying, Get up and Stand with Me in this. He wants you to stand.

Stand
(As Sung by Rascal Flatts)
"You feel like a candle in a hurricane
Just like a picture with a broken frame
Alone and helpless
Like you've lost your fight
But you'll be alright, you'll be alright
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[Chorus:]
Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause its all you can take
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On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
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Then you Stand,
Then you stand
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Life's like a novel
With the end ripped out
The edge of a canyon
With only one way down
Take what you're given before its gone
Start holding on,
keep holding on
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[Repeat Chorus]
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Every time you get up
And get back in the race
One more small piece of you
Starts to fall into place
Oh...
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[Repeat Chorus]

With my love and prayers,

Michelle

Have you ever?

The first time I heard this I knew it was God speaking to me.

Have you ever?

A Strand of Three Cords...

My heart is so burdened as I weigh the Scripture for today's post. I want to go back and pull up the questions that I posted on Monday:

As you consider this verse of Scripture and how it reflects the season of grief you are in, please also consider the following questions:

1.) Do you feel entangled by your grief? If yes, please explain.

2.) Do you have nightmares surrounding your loss that haunt your sleep? If yes, please explain.

3.) Do you feel that grief has laid hold of you and you are consumed by thoughts of death?

4.) Does anything compare to the suffering you are experiencing in the aftermath of your child's death?

I asked do you feel entangled by your grief, and I want to say that at first I felt so alone and uncertain in my grief that I could barely think. I busied myself, frittered away my days.

I remember moments when driving where death so consumed me that I thought, "If I just hit that tree really fast and really hard I would die, too." Almost as quickly, I would see my beautiful daughters and my husband and know that this irrational thought would not be a solution - only create more problems and more pains for those I loved the most. But, that irrational thought came from a place deep inside of me that was hurting so badly I could not seem to find resolution even in my most ardent prayers. It was a desparate thought in desparate times. A place where I just needed to stop the hurting going on in my heart, my head and my life.

This Scripture helps me to know that God understands that I hurt this way, that sorrow often leads to thoughts of death. Not that it is okay to entertain those thoughts, but that we can take those thoughts as ugly and devestating as they are to our Lord God and entrust Him with the pain that brings us to them.

This is how sorrow and grief entangle us - becoming a snare rather than a journey. Being stuck in our grief is one of the worst places I have found myself. Unable to really function, unwilling to ask for help... Afraid that one more thing, one more loss, one more painful moment would send me teetering over the edge. But, God doesn't want us to go through grief alone. He wants us to find Him in our grief and find encouragement and support from others as we go along the way.

The enemy will tell us anything we are willing to believe: "It will never get better." "God doesn't care, He let your child die." "Even if God does care, how do you know He's there?" "You'd be better off dead, at least it wouldn't hurt so much." He will even tell you, "There is no God."

But we have to shake off the lies of the enemy and stop buying what he's been selling us. That's why even one Scripture can be such a benefit to the grieving because God can take that one Scripture and open your heart toward Him with it.

The lies of the enemy are like heavy ropes. The more he wraps you up in them, the harder it is for us to break free. Pretty soon, we cannot even see the light. We are so weary from carrying around the weight of our entanglements that we just want it to end. That is when a wave of grief will wash over us - and in our bound state we won't even be able to resist the way it washes deeper and deeper into the despair and agony of death. We are soon over our head in deep waters of grief, entangled with the lies and doubts planted in our hearts and we begin to sink. Call on Him. Cry out to Jesus, get involved in a group where the goal is seeking God in your grief, and remember that any entanglement that you are facing can be easily broken by the truth of God's Word.

Begin to replace the lies of the enemy with the truth of God's Word. When the enemy calls out "He doesn't care about your pain." Call that lie, what it is - A LIE. Rebuke it with the truth, "You number my wanderings; Put my tears into Your bottle; Are they not in Your book?" Psalm 56:8 (NKJV). God records the things that cause us pain in a remebrance book and stores our tears in a bottle, your suffering is important to God and He has a plan for it.

When the enemy tells you the Lord has abandoned you in your suffering, remind yourself of these beautiful words from in Deuteronomy "6 Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." - Deuteronomy 31:6 (NIV)

And if you are inclined to claim a New Testament promise, "Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." - Hebrews 13:5 (NIV).

I found that God repeated this promise in this wording 8 times as translated in the NIV.

If you are lacking hope, look up Scriptures with the word hope. If you lack joy, look up and focus on Scriptures that talk about joy. Find a way to knit God's Word into your heart. There is more to this life than what we live. Ecclesiastes tells us God has created an intuitive nature in us that seeks out eternity (Ecclesiastes 3). Our lives are made up of seasons where emotions and circumstances play their part in pointing us straight to God. We were created for eternity and all of this life is but a breath compared to life in eternity. Do no grow weary in doing good, for you will reap a harvest in God's appointed time. (Galatians 6).

We cannot give up on one another either. This is why we must find a support environment that will help us work through our grief. Hebrews 10:25-26 tells us that we are not to give up in meeting together, but instead to meet together to encourage one another and all the more as we see the day of Christ approaching. Stand with one another - it is Life Support. When we find a common thread with which to allow God to weave our lives together - we will find hope in the hearts of those around us. We will pray together, unearth truth together, cry together and yes, we will even laugh together as we journey toward meaning and healing in grief.

Salve for our wounded soul:

"Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him. And a threefold cord is not quickly broken." Ecclesiastes 4:12 (NKJV)

When we stand with another person in our grief we are a two strand cord, but when we add God to our relationship, we become a cord of three strands that cannot easily be broken. If you are entangled and snared in the depths of your grief - cry out to Jesus and let Him take you by the hand. Then, grab the hand of a grieving friend and you will find your way out of the valley of the shadow of death!

Listen to the following song and think of the power that raised Jesus from the dead, that power is available to you right now. We need Him, we need him to come to our rescue and to hold us when we cry. We need you Jesus!

I was left alone...

I prepared this week's post early since I have much to do this weekend! Be Blessed! I'm praying for you all!

As a grieving mother, I felt utterly alone. I remember in those first few weeks after Justin's death, Scott or I visited our family doctor at least five or six times. I to get more medication to deal with the stress I might be feeling, and Scott for his annual dose of allergy induced upper respiratory infection. I remember Dr. Hoover's word to the two of us the day Scott went in for his appointment.

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"Remember, men and women grieve differently. Give yourself some room and some time. Be patient with each other."

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Later, when I would go in for an individual appointment he would relay to me his own personal grief and how difficult it was for he and his wife during that time.

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"Men often feel like they have to be strong for their wives. They don't know what you need from them and they don't know how to respond to you."

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It was a sobering and defeating thought, but a much needed message. What Dr. Hoover didn't warn me about was the dream I was going to have in those early weeks. A nightmare really. I have had two nightmares and a couple of comforting dreams since Justin's death nearly three years ago, but truthfully I didn't know what to do with those first two very painful and realistic nightmares.

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In the first, I found myself sitting in the floor of my bedroom at home holding the cold, dead body of my 17 year old son. As I sat there weeping uncontrollably trying to pull him more and more into my lap, I noticed that my children and my husband were continually walking through the room and around the house. They even stepped over us, but no one acknowledged what I was doing. No one seemed to noticed how desperately I needed to take care of my son.

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I woke up as the vision of my dead son laying in my arms continued on the screen in my mind. In my nightmare I sat in the floor screaming at my family, "Would somebody please just help me take care of him?"

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I am not even kidding or exaggerating when I tell you that I woke up not only angry, but loaded for bear! I bolted up in my bed and immediately swung my clenched and shaking fist meeting my husband in the shoulder and startling him from his sleep. He barely had time to groggily respond before I jumped out of bed, ran to the bathroom to weep my eyes out.

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After that morning of anger and sorrow all mixed up in my heart and my head, I found myself growing with great intensity more and more angry. The object of my fiery anger: my husband.

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Why?

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I still don't really know, but I do know that I came to call those periods of rage and anguish my "irrational" fits of anger. As I said in my introductory post, I learned what to do in those moments. I left the building. I just would disappear for a little while and get my head and my heart back on track. In those moments I needed to be alone.

Those first nine months of my grief, I hardly knew what to think much less to ask for... All I wanted was to keep those around me from feeling as bad as I did. I felt as if no one on earth could either understand or relate to how I felt.
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Those months were filled with well-meaning and loved friends and family offering their advice, their comfort and their services to me. All much to no avail. Nothing helped. One evening I sat at my computer IMing an "Internet pen pal" when I got an email. It was from a young woman I attended church with, worked with and mentored through women's ministry. Her words: "I need to help you, you need me to help you... Tell me what to do to help you."
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My emotions tipped the Richter scale as I responded in as nice a way as I could muster. In short, there are some parts of my journey that I will have to make alone, some parts that are intended for me to share with others and some parts that are still even hard for me to imagine at a time like this. I wrote from my heart: "What I need is for people not to tell me what I need right now. This may be hard for you to understand, but you ask what you can do for me and all I can say is this: Unless you can bring my son back to me, I don't know what I need. But if you think you might like to go for ice cream one day - call me I may need to get out. And, in the case that I don't feel up to it - it's not personal... It's just where I am. Sorting out the messiness of grief with God."
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I so desperately wanted to be alone in my grief that I know I shut people out and shut my emotions down in public. People close to me knew my grief was palpable. They saw it in my eyes and expressed in a strong embrace. But, as much as I didn't know what to do with the loneliness, sadness and anger... They didn't know what to do with me.
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At Christmas, a friend hugged my neck as I was weeping bitter, sorrowful tears at the end of the service. She tried to sooth me as I gushed, "I just miss him so much."
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Time felt as if it stood still, and my heart felt as if it would split right in two when she responded: "But, he ain't missin' you."
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Perhaps I needed to hear that, but I didn't want to - I didn't want to think that a moment of life in heaven passed for Justin without him being joyfully aware of how much he was missed and loved by his mother here on earth. He just has to know that... He just has to. And, he does. He was made perfect in Christ when he came face to face with Him in heaven. He has perfect knowledge and the truth of that comforts me, but it is bittersweet.

So it is with the many things I have discovered about life and God in my grief. One thing I know for sure - it is true. Though my God doesn't like what I do at times, He never leaves me and He never forsakes me. Though I forsake Him and grow angry or disillusioned with Him - He stays close, and walks along behind me until I decide to turn around and acknowledge He is there. He then will take me up in His strong and loving arms and comfort me as only He can.
He strokes my hair and rocks me as He sings a soothing song in my ear. "There, there Beloved..." I hear the gentle whisper of His voice say to me, "I know your sorrow is great. That your suffering is breaking your heart. But, have faith, My Child, I redeem the losses and make good the suffering. I mend broken hearts and carry your tears in a bottle marking each occasion that you have cried. You are My Child, and I love You, as much as I love My Son... So, I also love You. I know how You feel, sweet Child, for I gave up My Son for You. Your son is safely in my care and he will be here, in your cloud of witnesses. And when the time is right, his voice will be one of many calling to you beckoning you Home."

YOU MAY WANT TO WRITE DOWN OR PRINT OUT THE FOLLOWING QUESTIONS. Share your answers if you are comfortable. Mostly allow these answers to resonate in your heart of hearts and allow God to bring His truth to your pain.
How do you relate to the desolation and the loneliness of grief?
How have you learned to deal with your anger in grief?
How has God proven to you that He will never leave you or forsake you?
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Has someone who meant well said or done something that ended up making your grief worse instead of better?
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Have you found the grace to forgive them?
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At this point in your grief, what brings you the most comfort?
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Share one thing that you are thankful for or a special memory of your child.
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SALVE FOR OUR WOUNDED SOULS:
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"Praise be to the God and
Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,
the Father of compassion
and the God of all comfort,
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4 who comforts us in all our
troubles, so that we can comfort
those in any trouble with the comfort
we ourselves have received from God.
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5 For just as the sufferings of Christ
flow over into our lives, so also through
Christ our comfort overflows.
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6 If we are distressed,
it is for your comfort and salvation;
if we are comforted, it is for your comfort,
which produces in you patient endurance
of the same sufferings we suffer.
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7 And our hope for you is firm,
because we know that just as you share in
our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.
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8 We do not want you to be uninformed,
brothers, about the hardships we suffered in
the province of Asia. We were under great
pressure, far beyond our ability to endure,
so that we despaired even of life.
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9 Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence
of death. But this happened that we might not rely
on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead.
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10 He has delivered us from such a deadly peril,
and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope
that he will continue to deliver us,
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11 as you help us by your prayers. Then many will
give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted
us in answer to the prayers of many.
2 Corinthians 1:3-11 (NIV)