2009: Our Year In Review

2009 might well be known as the year of facing down my fears...

This was one of the last pictures taken of Scott and I in 2008. And, quite frankly, as you may recall we were just in the throws of our most difficult time as a married couple. Praise God He is a redeemer and a teacher... And, that when we hold onto His promises He sees us through the darkness. For me the ending of 2008 was an awakening to how horrible I had been to my husband in our ten years of marriage, how much of him I had taken for granted, and how much I had set him up to fail me in so many ways. SABOTAGE was my middle name. And, over the last twelve months I have finally been able to lay aside my primary fear about my husband: That He couldn't possibly love or want to be married to Someone Like Me... [CHECK] Left that fear in the Throne Room as God has walked me through the most trying time of my married life. He has opened Scott's heart up to me in new and unexpected ways and allowed me to see my husband in a whole new light... His Light.

Around mid-January we added a brand new family member: POGO! Oh, my goodness! I never knew a dog could capture your heart but this little dark-haired, bearded Mister has stolen ours - flat out! I bought him a dog-bone for Christmas and let him eat it on the carpet for crying out loud. You have never seen a group of otherwise composed people fall out for a dog the way the four of us have since this little guy came into our life. He's our "Sweet Potata..." To quote Brittany who had an incurrable aversion to dogs prior to Pogo's introduction. Thank you Lord for Pogo... Fear of a Dog who would chew up all our belongings and might just bite my knee caps (long traumatic story from childhood) [Check] Left that with Pogo. He's our dog! I love my Granpup!
Then there was vacation! Breathtaking views... Time just for us balanced with time with our family. We had an amazing time as I told it right here on the blog. Then upon our return I would begin a job I truly love. A job that is not just a job --- but an opportunity to see God's glory come down every single day.
We had such a good time. Perhaps the best time was driving through the mountains up to Eureka Springs and the Passion Play. MY LORD! He put it on top of a Mountain He did. I had to learn to trust the Lord and my husband's driving in whole new ways. We came through laughing and terrified all at the same time. "Fear of Rolling Down the Mountain" - [CHECK] No longer an issue. Left it in Arkansas.

The Summer left us not only transistioning further into our roles as parents to adult children - we have three that officially have crossed the threshhold. It found us trusting God for Home Ownership. It didn't seem plausible or even possible a year ago today. We could barely pay our rent and keep our one family vehicle on the roadways...

Still, Travis graduated, Brittany made plans to move out on her own and three of our children became licensed to drive during our Summer months in 2009. That is another fear to check off the list: FEAR OF CHILDREN DRIVING [CHECK] Left it at the Department of Public Safety.

Then there was Scott's detour through Virginia in September and October that afforded us the purchase of our very own home. Okay... So the fall introduced a whole littany of fears too numerous to name. Fear that the distance physically between Scott and I might be more than I could bear - it was, but I survived! Fear of credit applications and the mortgage process... HOWEVER... We have a mortgage... Two Car Loans ... mostly because our one family car finally bit the dust in October. We have not had new Credit since 2004 ya'll. We actually had a ZERO Credit Score - I'm sure that would make Dave Ramsey proud. :)

Fear of applying for new credit... [Check] Left that at the bank.


Another fear I have had in my life was that Scott and I would always been walking different paths with God. When he was saved in 2000, I just knew we walk out this wonderful, glorious God-filled journey with some great ministry we could do together attached. But, somewhere over the years I lost that dream. I let it get buried in manipulation, doubt, fear, and well the stuff of a fallen existence. What God could not persuade my man to do for Him... I would push, pull, drag and kick to get. I lived by the motto: "It is better to ask forgiveness than permission." I was a woman on a mission and it certainly was not from God. To my own detriment and at the expense of my husband's sincere devotion both to me and God.

Fear of never walking a journey in the center of God's Will with Scott - [Check] Left that one with my husband. We have a common dream and are each doing what God has put before us to do. It is a really sweet place to live - Surrender where it depends not on persuasion but on purpose and the Lord's power to change and grow us as He wills. Scott's story is one for him to tell when he is ready, but as for me... I am grateful God changed my heart and changed my life by changing my marriage by His Love.

Still not so sure about all that lay ahead for us. God is working that out for us just fine. But, what I do know is we are blessed not only to be in such a wonderful church, surrounded by wonderful people... Not only because we have a new home and new cars and I have a new job I love... Not only because our marriage survived, but because we have each other - and we know what that means to us today. A year ago, I could not have said that. But, today - I can say that we are a house serving the Lord and I am thankful He held us together when many of us were ready to fly the coop.

So... That my friends is our year in review. For me I guess my take-away is I'm not what I usd to be - Thank God. Freedom is not free - it bears a price and often that price means giving up what we think we need for something far more valuable. Thank you God for teaching me gentle.

Oh, and as a bonus. There was snow, on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day in North Central Texas for the first time in some 80 odd years... GLORIES never cease. A Christmas Present for Us From God. We are so blessed. And for the grand finally my daughter's photo masterpiece from Christmas EVE.... I'm sharing the "Audrey" Impersonation over the Mrs. Clause look.

That stick in my mouth - Oh Yeah... A Candy Cane Tootsy Pop. You must try one. They are dangerously good.

HAPPY NEW YEAR! Blog Friends.

This Is What It Means To Be Free

"Now the Lord is Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is there is liberty (emancipation from bondage, freedom)." 2 Corinthians 3:17 (AMP)

I've been thinking about what it means to be free.

Not just free to go to the mall, free to vote, free to drive the car of my choice or buy a specific house in a particular neighborhood.

I'm not just contemplating what soldiers fight and die for everyday - personal, physical freedom in a society and culture that allows me to choose the course of my life, my faith, and so on.

While all of these things are valuable, beneficial and important to me. Those Freedoms born on Independence Day... and paid for by the very lives of others who bravely gave what Christ called the sacrifice of greatest love. Even as I become more aware, and am ever more grateful for all of these things...

As I write this post the Freedom that I find myself contemplating is something more. I am talking about Dependent Freedom.

Jesus came to "set at LIBERTY the captives." (Isaiah 61 and Dr. Luke in Chapter four of the gospel he penned illuminate Jesus' high Messianic calling.) Why am I writing about this in what appears to be some wild cryptic code... I DON'T KNOW.

Perhaps these are the musings of a heart that has been shattered and scattered wide for so many years. A heart that is now finding itself whole for the very first time.

Maybe it is just the peace I find myself living in these days: It's a journey of discovery and absolute awe that takes me to new, deeper places with God every single day.

I honestly don't know why it is coming to life for me this way... On this page... This particular day, but I can tell you when it started:

Several months ago I met and communicated regularly with a group of strong, interceding women. We were "pillars" erecting a "tent of meeting" for a women's conference that was being held at our church in the Spring.

Each of us felt that God had impressed upon our hearts to pray for a specific attribute that would be embraced by the women attending the conference. One woman was called to pray for the Love of God while another the Fear of the Lord. And,yet another was called to pray for Mercy and so on. The Lead Intercessor stated she felt called to pray for Liberty while I knew my attribute was Freedom. That morning, as four women sat in Starbucks buzzing with anticipation reciting the beautiful Words God was enscribing on their hearts the question was posed: "What is the difference between Liberty and Freedom?"

Admittedly, I was taken aback. After all - when I look up the word FREEDOM in my Thesaurus I find that "liberty" is indeed an alternate word.

But, as we sat in that particular coffee shop, that particular morning contemplating that particular question I heard the Lord say to my heart, "Liberty is the permission to be free, but it's not really Freedom until you walk in it."

Walking in Freedom. Running in it - basking in the beautiful nature of His Spirit and letting it soak you through to your bones. Allowing His very nature to penetrate every fiber of your being, and making you long for nothing more than to live in the calm and peace of His will your whole life long.

It was just as I was embarking on this journey with my prayer partners that I was discovering what it meant to me to be free. And, to the best of my ability, here is a concise expression of what I learned.

1. Freedom is born of God-given desire and found only in His Truth. Not a natural inclination to be "free" or lawless, nor is it something that we can earn or deserve... True Freedom can be found only in the heart of God - His unconditional love for His creation and His desire to touch the deep places within us personally and completely.

2. What I view as limitations may be an open invitation to walk in Freedom. Whether it is something as simple as being obedient to sit in the back of the room rather than in the front row, or as devestating as the death of someone I love, a debilitating injury or illness, or a financial set back... Whatever I see as limiting - God wants me to see as an invitation for Him to set me free.

3. Liberty beckons us just as a lighthouse calls lost sailors home. Liberty woos and calls to us in the darkness of night. It casts its bright light into the far reaching darkness and begs us to come in... And then we enter the safety of the Light of God to find that freedom is not something we do... It's something we experience. It is the result of what Christ did and my role is to allow it in - to allow it to so consume me in such a way that my life will never - can never - be the same because Christ has changed me from the inside out.

Dependent Freedom... Because it depends not on my desire to be free or what I do to gain it - it matters not my natural origins or my home country... It is dependent only on a sold-out, submitted life to God through His Son, Jesus Christ. It is by His sacrifice, His love, His grace, His heart that I become free.

Yes, my friends. This is what it means to be free. To live life in such a way that not only can you never be the same, but others who bear witness to your life no longer want their lives to remain the same. They, too, find themselves wanting to live life with that abandon, with that promised Freedom that Jesus came to purchase for us - each and everyone.

We all yearn for something more in life...

Many of us believe that something more is a destiny in a distant future promised heaven while others believe it is just over the hump to a better house in a better neighborhood, perhaps with a better husband and a better job.

But, Scripture's promise is that Freedom comes this side of Glory and Jesus' own words in Luke 4 state "Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand." A place of love, redemption, truth and sweet, sweet Freedom. It's right here, surrounding us, beckoning us in the voice of our Master.

Won't you step in?

Come Up Here...

Can you hear your Father calling you....

Come Up Here - Jason Upton