Proud Grandparents...

This is Mutt. He joined our family last night.

This is our Grandson. He arrived last night at about 7:30 PM to become a new member of this Bentham Household to a delighted mother and with great fanfare. Mutt has been the pet of my husband's ex-father-in-law, Reese. As I wrote in our Family Picture post, Reese passed away just before Christmas. Mutt needed a new home.

Enter Taylor. Last fall, Taylor convinced my husband to allow her to get a puppy. She wanted to be a Doggy Mommy so badly she was willing to have them shipped in from Africa if she had to... (I know that sounds like a joke... But it is true!) We learned just after Reese died that Mutt might be in need of a home. Taylor called Scott's son Travis and expressed her willingness to adopt the little grey beard Heinz 57 mix. At that time, it looked like Mutt had found another home with Reese's brother. So... Once again, Tay-Tay was left disappointed.

Does she look like a Proud Momma to you?

I returned home from my support group meeting (not much of a group with me as leader and one other person attending - but we truly did Business with the Lord last night.) And there was our boy roaming the backyard with Pappy at the door. He came in followed me around while I did a few things in the kitchen and then he hopped up in my lap straight away. He is a bit melancholy - missing Reese, but we are just so excited to have him in our home.
A couple of nights ago Rebeca, Travis and Megan's Mother, called to ask if we would still like to adopt Mutt. The answer was "Of Course we would." So last night, Mutt, Travis, Megan, and their little sister Chelsea as well as Uncle Randy, Aunt Debbie and Rebeca all came over to drop off this sweet little mister.

He is perhaps around four years old. He has been in four homes in the last month and is at the very least, confused. He is a dog in mourning but of good temperment and this morning he was sleeping on the foot of Momma's bed.


He is quite the sad little mister right now, but we are hoping that soon he will be quite thrilled to be in our home. He is delightful, loving and especially cute...

Grammy loves little Mutt... Oh Yes She Does... Grammy Loves Him!


Anybody know a good book on Doggy Grief?

God's Grace [PERIOD]

As I've written here, these last few weeks have been extremely painful and difficult for me. However, God has been so good in this time of anguished reality. Yesterday, I went to a group leader's meeting for my Bereaved Mothers group at church while my hubs attended the 9:00 AM worship service. The meeting was informative and refreshing.

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The last 45 minutes were given to the Executive Pastor of "Freedom Ministry" which is the department my group is classified under. Pastor Bob is one of my favorite teachers. He uses subtle humor, relational stories, he processes and thinks deep bringing relative worldly realities into the light by exposing the truth behind them and then he goes into exegetics a bit to firm up the revelation.

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He first thanked each of us for serving in ministry and partnering to help bring God's freedom to the lives of others through our experiences. Then he laid out the foundation of Freedom ministry for us: He doesn't just want us to be about the business of giving good advice, He wants us to bring Good News - and if the good advice points people to the Good News then we are all good.

He concluded our time together by talking about the will. That the world tells us to make better choices, try harder and do more to be better and more righteous - which, BTW, is a Pharisee attitude - (See Colossians 2:18-23). He said, "God's grace is not God winking at sin or giving us a license to sin." He went on to say that to fully embrace our identity in Christ and realize the weight of righteousness does not rest on us, but on God through the cross and resurrection of Christ and the empowerment of the Holy Spirit then we can realize that WE CANNOT TAKE ADVANTAGE OF GOD'S GRACE.

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Did you get that... ?

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Let me say it again. WE CANNOT TAKE ADVANTAGE OF GOD'S GRACE. What He offers is unmerited, unconditional favor - it is FAVOR, Ya'll. Favor we do not deserve, earn or receive as a reward - it is simply God's Love for us wrapped up in His favor shining upon us.

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As Pastor Bob was teaching on this a particular issue began to resonate and rise to the surface.

The issue? The statement I made to my daughter the day this entire mess began to unravel. "I must be gracious to my husband as the Lord has been gracious to me."

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This last week fear and disappointment threatened to rob me of my desire to serve my husband and bring healing to our relationship by meeting his needs. I even said to him, "When do I get to be the one who was violated? When do I get to be the one who is hurt? Why do you take and take and take but never give anything back?"

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You see, in my head I can process that my role is to be the covenant redeemer and to seek restoration in spite of what my husband's response is and not because of it. But in my heart, the wound is deep and old and it has been cut many times. My fear is that my husband will receive all I have to offer and I will be left empty and without return... I fear he will take advantage of the grace I have found myself offering him and not learn the lesson of his mistake.

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In Other Words, I've begun to think that my response to his offense is enabling him to minimize the consequences. CO-DEPENDENT THINKING AND CO-DEPENDENT BEHAVIOR. That says that my desire to please God in my actions depends and is influenced by my husband's response.

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So as Pastor Bob is saying, "You cannot take advantage of God's grace for you...."

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I'm suddenly realizing that the grace I am offering my husband is not grace based on my feelings or my wounds or even how he responds to what I am doing in this circumstance... But, instead - it is grace offered based on Grace received. I am merely being an extension of God's love and grace to my husband in this time of sorting, mending and reconciling.

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I shared with the group, "Since that is true, that means if I offer the same grace to others who hurt me that God has given to me... Then, they cannot take advantage of my grace either."

He had me repeat that again, and then said he was going to write it down. He summed up what I said, "You mean you are not going to live in a co-dependent relationship."

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Yes, absolutely! Talk about truth that will set you free!

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Love ya'll - Hope this blesses your socks off as it did mine. To realize that my forgiving my husband for his hurtful behavior toward me as a demonstration of God's grace and love at work in my life is not giving him license to hurt me again, but instead it is giving him the unconditional favor and opportunity to live in and experience the grace of God at work through me. Now that is the hands and feet of Jesus in action and the work of the Holy Spirit taking down my walls and strongholds.

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GLORY! Excuse me, I need to go put my face to the ground and humbly thank my God for freedom and revelation on a beautiful Sunday morning in January! Be Free... God's Grace [PERIOD] that's all I need.

Stonecroft Women

This morning I went to a luncheon for a ministry group called Stonecroft. It is women who are seeking to connect other women with each other, with community and with God. It was a delicious luncheon at a very elite Country Club. My friend, Kerrie, was the guest speaker. I took my camera so we could get a picture... But... Guess What....

I forgot to take one. Drats.

Still - these women were absolutely AMAZING. Kerrie, is a star - shining star for our Lord! She brought a wonderful, funny and witty message about purpose and then she sang the beautiful song CeCe Winans made popular, "The Alabastar Box." Brought the house down, Yes. She. Did.

As I was leaving I was very humbled to hear Kerrie tell the leader of the Southlake Group that she felt I should be a Stonecroft Speaker. WOW! That was all I could say. These women blew me away, and Kerrie found me to be remotely qualified to speak into their lives. God's grace must have been all over me at that moment. I did not shake or tremble. I just graciously received and acknowledged. Prayer is the order of this day.

Last night, as my husband looked on, I shared my grief testimony over Justin's life and death with a group of about 50 people at a class at church. For the first time ever... I mean - I was somewhat nervous and uncertain... I almost knelt in the bathroom stall and confessed I couldn't do it to God... But, then I was given the microphone and the pulpit and all of a sudden God's Words just began to flow out of my mouth. I did not prepare anything but I wrote down a paraphrase of part of Lamentations 3 on an index card and turned my Bible to Isaiah 60:20 - the verse God gave me as He confirmed my healing over my son's death. I spoke confidently, boldy and yes, even cheerfully.

Afterward I had the extreme honor of praying with a dear woman who was suffering much through her grief. I was informed by the pastor who presented the class that I did very well, I had her in tears.

I couldn't believe it.

I did a quiet time devotion and received from the Lord. I spoke to Him about what I would say and then asked the Holy Spirit to give me words. Before I knew it the beauty of my story --- with just enough detail poured forth like oil on the feet of our Savior.

I sometimes think the enemy jumbles up my words and repeats them to me in a way that is intended to make me confused as I speak. I often think I jump around too much and don't make sense. In the car, on the way home, I asked my husband if he thought I spoke well, and he said I did. I think his support and presence did much to build me up and then the Holy Spirit brought the confidence I needed to bring forth an apt Word from the Lord.

I was totally humbled and blessed through the last 24 hours. Can't even process it all. I think I need a nap.

A New Jerusalem... Installment #2

Well, I've pretty well broken down the first verse of my Vision Quest Scripture:

Jeremiah 33:6-9 (AMP)

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Behold [in the future restored Jerusalem] I will lay upon it health and healing, and I will cure them and will reveal to them the abundance of peace (prosperity, security, stability) and truth. And I will cause the captivity of Judah and the captivity of Israel to be reversed and will rebuild them as they were at first. And I will cleanse them from all the guilt and iniquity by which they have sinned against Me, and I will forgive all their guilt and iniquities by which they have sinned and rebelled against me. And [Jerusalem] shall be to Me a name of joy, a praise and a glory before all the nations of the earth that hear of all the good I do for it, and they shall fear and tremble because of all the good and all the peace, prosperity, security and stability I provide for it.

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Again: I want to insert a strict disclaimer - THIS IS NOT A DOCTRINAL THESIS. It is a Scripture God has given me to develop a vision for my marriage and my family - if it is useful to you then please glean from it all you can. But do not construe this as a foundation for doctrine. God's Word is living and active, it brings forth His plans and His purpose. Now... On with the vision.

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First of all - the Symbolism:

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This was written from God's perspective and spoken through the Prophet Jeremiah toward a Captive Israel.

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From the moment I read the first line of this verse I knew God was doing a new thing. I stopped, turned to my husband and read each word out loud. As I did, the picture began to form. Pieces of a puzzle falling into place:

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Jerusalem. This was not only the place of worship for all of Israel, the home of the tabernacle. But, it was also the Heart of the Promised Land - For me this represents our marriage. The heart of our promised land is a healthy, restored and prosperous marriage relationship. Restored not only to one another, but fully reconciled with God as well. Our marriage should be where worship and relationship with the Lord eminate in our home. It will be just as God has described it in verse 6.

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The Captivity of Judah and Israel. Two Houses of this nation: This represents our two families blended into one. Our lineage, strongholds and bondage to sin and predisposition to willful transgression - all the ways we sin against the Lord.

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I hear God speaking this promise is His own voice over us...

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VERSE 6:

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Behold... "Look, I have something here I want you to see and remember. Take it in with your senses and experience it fully."

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[in the future restored Jerusalem]... Jerusalem became the heart - the place where all of Israel worshipped and met with God -the domicile for the Tabernacel. Jerusalem had been utterly destroyed when Jeremiah penned these words. Much like my marriage to Scott was set for destruction. Our walls, like the walls of Jerusalem, have been reduced to rubble, our hearts have been taken captive by the lies of the enemy and scattered away from one another. Jerusalem, like my marriage, was a mess.

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Jerusalem represents The Heart of our Marriage and Family. (Scott's Heart and My Heart beating in one accord)

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The promise of redemption is a new Jerusalem, a new heart.

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A PROMISE OF THINGS TO COME = "Future Restored."

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I will lay upon it health and healing... The full restoration of our marriage will result in a healthy relationship and complete healing of our hearts and wounds.

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"Lay Upon It..." He will cover and protect us until we are whole.

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I will cure them... Not only will we be healed for this season, but we will be CURED. Once the work of this season is over we will be free of all the associated pain, patterns of behavior, broken places, time lost and transgressions - All of this will be COMPLETELY REDEEMED AND RENEWED - MADE NEW AGAIN.

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and will reveal to them the abundance of peace (prosperity, security, stability) and truth. There will be GREAT revelation that delivers MORE THAN ENOUGH PEACE, MORE THAN ENOUGH PROVISION, MORE THAN ENOUGH SECURITY, MORE THAN ENOUGH STABILITY, AND MORE, MORE, MORE TRUTH - MORE OF JESUS AND HIS PERSPECTIVE IN OUR CIRCUMSTANCES. SWEET FREEDOM!!

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Tomorrow, I will break down and relate VERSE 7. Until then... Be blessed!

LPM Memory Verse #2

Just keepin' it real folks... This is me just out of bed at 5:45 AM! ;o)

Beth Moore has invited us to join her in memorizing/meditating on two Scriptures per month. Today is the second installment of this glorious exercise. More than 3,000 women have joined Beth in this endeavor at her LPM Blog. If you would like to sign up hop on over and check it out!

My Word to close out last year was PEACE. My Word to begin this year is TRUTH. I have been listening for Scriptures that speak truth to me...

On the first of January, I selected Psalm 15:1-2 "Lord, who may abide in Your tabernacle? Who may dwell in Your holy hill? Those who walk uprightly, And work righteousness, And speaks the truth in his heart." (NKJV)

Oh Glory, I typed that from memory! As I faced uncertain realities and difficult truths about myself... As the temptation to carry on as if nothing had happened, or to take revenge came upon me in the last 15 days... God's Word was working its way in my heart in mind. I would hear these words bouncing off the walls there... "IF you want to abide with God you must walk in your identity in Christ, do the work of righteousness as it has been administered to you, and you must speak the truth in your heart. Michelle, if you want to stay close to God as you need to do you must admit what your reality is and seek His truth to cover anything that hurts." Tell the truth in your heart.

This day I have chosen a very important Scripture as God has begun showing me a vision for the restoration of the relationship I have with my husband and what the future holds for us. Jeremiah 33:6 (AMP) "Behold, [in the future restored Jerusalem] I will lay upon it health and healing, and I will cure them and will reveal to them the abundance of peace, (prosperity, security, stability) and truth."

Thank you, Jesus, that Your mercies are new every morning and Your Word is true. I glory in you greatness and your love this day. You alone are God, You alone are worthy to be praised.

How About You? What Scripture has God placed in your heart today?

A New Jerusalem...

At my counseling appointment on Monday, my counselor asked God to give me a promise for our marriage. Now... Before I even go there I need you to hear this loud and clear: This is not foundational doctrine. This is simply God taking a passage of Scripture and giving me a vision for my marriage. If the truth discovered here benefits you - then take what you can use, but know that this is a promise I am praying over for my husband, my marriage and family. These are words I've heard God speaking over us since Monday night and as I have meditated on these verses the vision has become more clear.

I will include the verse today and write more of what God has revealed to me in the days ahead... It is a beautiful promise. The verse is Jeremiah 33:6-9 (Amplified).

"6 Behold, [in the future restored Jerusalem] I will lay upon it health and healing, and I will cure them and will reveal to them the abundance of peace (prosperity, security, stability) and truth. 7 And I will cause the captivity of Judah and the captivity of Israel to be reversed and will rebuild them as they were at first. 8 And I will cleanse them from all the guilt and iniquity by which they have sinned against Me, and I will forgive all their guilt and iniquities by which they have sinned and rebelled against Me. 9 And [Jerusalem] shall be to Me a name of joy, a praise and a glory before all the nations of the earth that hear of all the good I do for it, and they shall fear and tremble because of all the good and all the peace, prosperity, security, and stability I provide for it." ~ Jeremiah 33:6-9 (AMP)

Do you see the New Jerusalem in the passage?

Until Tomorrow - Be blessed.

RENEW Your Mind...

Beth Moore has a great tutorial for Scripture Memorization up at her LPM Blog. She has encouraged her readers to join her in memorizing two verses a month through the year 2009.

This year, God gave me John 8:32 just before New Year. "You shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free." I already had that verse down in my head so my first verse had to be something new: "Lord, who may abide in Your tabernacle? Who may dwell in Your holy hill? He who walks uprightly, And works righteousness, And speaks the truth in his heart." Psalm 15:1-2 NKJV

I cannot tell you how many times in the last fourteen days that a new realization would come to me that would bring me pain. I would say, "If this is the truth, then the truth shall make me free." Or if that realization would be one I would like not to accept, or maybe one I would like to act upon and take revenge about.... I would remind myself: "Those who abide with God walk uprightly, work righteousness and they TELL THE TRUTH IN THEIR HEART." I must accept what has happened before I can move forward in this process. Pretending something didn't happen or that it was less than it was is not telling the truth in my heart. It is deceptive, it is futile and it brings destruction. Denial is the worst form of deception because we do it to ourselves.

What "WORD" has God given you for 2009 and how are you applying it to your life today?

Thank you Jesus that in spite of our realities, You alone are the Truth that sets us free. I love you so.

Painful Progress...

You know growth is such a messy, painful proposition.

It is a choice.

I can choose to stay here, mired down in my hurt feelings and ugly thoughts - just brood over this entire mess. I could be a victim and demand my rights be restored... I could be, but I don't want to be any of those things.

Sorting is a painful process, but a necessary one. It sifts out the dead and dying things, and reveals the value of the experience. This year I am asking God to bring life back to the dead places of my life. This year I am asking Him for a miracle for my marriage and my family - the impossible. This year I am believing He is the God of all, and that He has my best at heart no matter how I feel at the moment.

I'm standing on the promises and the foundation which is His Rock, Jesus Christ. This Rock cannot be moved or shaken and I cannot be defeated. My God is for me... This day... And He is indeed redeeming the time.

Now, with all of that said: I'm Off To My First Counseling Appointment.

To Be Continued....

P. S. THANK. YOU. All my sweet and lovely blog sisters who have been reading these last few posts and taking up my burden. Thank you for carrying us to the foot of the cross for the Master's tender care. Thank you for covering us and helping me to see that light is shining through the ugliness of this mess... THANK. YOU.

Love you all.

In My Daddy's Arms...

This is how God has been showing Himself to me this past week.

That I am His baby girl and He is taking care of me.

Rediscovering...

Everybody falls into routines and gets in a rut every now and again... Right? We begin to take things for granted, forget to prioritize and before we know it the whole world is spinning around a Dayplanner, a TV Guide and our kids schedules. Add church and work committments to any social engagements and you have a recipe for losing touch with one another... A Recipe for DISASTER. That is exactly where my husband and I have been these last four or five years.

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DISILLUSIONED.

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DISAPPOINTED.

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DISAGREEING.

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DYSFUNCTIONING. All over the place... Talk about a Misfire.

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My Man, Scott. He is the Love of My Life.

A Gift from God to me.

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Scott is quiet, easy going and loves all manner of sports. Spectator, participation, game fishing and hunting... And he enjoys playing video games. He is competitive to the bone, and well with competition comes a strong... Did I say STRONG? Yes, a STRONG. DESIRE. TO. WIN. He has a Warrior Spirit.

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He is strong, handsome and rugged. He has a great laugh and a smile that can turn me into a puddle in the floor in two seconds flat. He has a huge heart and loves to play with children. He can see my soul with those "MOOD EYES" of his. I'm not kidding. When he is angry they turn a dark and stormy gray. Other times he can be discouraged or sad and they turn blue. Most of the time when he is just in his routine they are a smoky hazel color, but when he is feeling amorous and looking on me with those eyes I see the color of Fresh Sliced Limes. A cool, refreshing green. No kidding, those eyes on me make my stomach quiver and my knees weak. All he has to do is look my way. And, that's the thing... We spent everyday after of the last four years together without really seeing each other.

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I confessed in my last post that I have largely taken him for granted and wounded him in the process. The truth is this: when Scott came into my life I was by every measure of the words: MESSED. UP. I had been abused, neglected, unloved and needy in the area of men since my middle teenage years. I didn't believe in love, the fairy tales I had grown up believing I would live or that a really good man existed anymore. In short, besides my father... Men leave. They leave you broke and broken. Wounded. Alone. They just leave. I was good for a while, but not a lifetime... Or at least that is the message I received over and over again.

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Scott came along with his own baggage. Baggage he might have wanted to keep packed away in a closet in the recesses of his mind somewhere - but, Scott married a "digger." I don't want to be with my man, I want to know I am in his heart and on his mind and I'm not competing with anybody for first place. I want to know about his past and how it affects our future. I just want to know every stinking detail. I want to hold onto him, love him, be near him and just stare at him if I want to for a whole afternoon or more. I love being in his arms where I have felt so safe. Loving my man is what I believed I had been put on this earth to do. So What Happened?

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Life happened. That's what.

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Blended families are never easy. Put a dreamy-eyed, obsessive-compulsive woman with worthiness issues in charge of the new family home and you've got unhappy kids, a confused husband and emotional turmoil errupting all over the place. I wanted us to be "One Big Happy Family." Yeah Right?

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We had two oldest boys - Alpha Males, if you will. Two youngest girls - Princesses no doubt. And we had one girl who remained neutral like Switzerland until recent months. I routinely would set about making new "family" traditions. Required family interaction and truly believed we were the Brady Bunch minus one and in desperate need of a housekeeper. Not really! I'm pretty good at the housekeeping game if I set my mind on it. It just NEVER. Did I say Never? Yes, It is NEVER a priority.

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Hubs and I stopped sitting next to each other while we watched television. We rarely went to bed at the same time and often I felt shut out and alone. Eventually we stopped doing things together most of the time. And after Justin died, I shut him out, too. I didn't know how to reach him, I needed him desperately and I was afraid that my emotional state would drive him further away. I played it strong. I played it long. I went my own way. I returned to destructive patterns and tendancies from my past. I felt REJECTED. ANGRY. ALONE.

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I poured myself into prayer, God and the calling I sensed He had on my life. I pursued it with the passion I had once sought after my husband with... And Scott had a new Competitor to match against. My God. I wish I could say that I didn't know things were wrong and growing worse all the time, but I did. I just felt helpless to undo the damage. He wouldn't talk so I would try to confess, but his lack of response to my confessions discouraged me and drove me further away.

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In August I realized my husband's heart was hard and I was the primary reason for that hardness. Yes, he made choices, too. But, for me - it was undeniable. Both God and Scott's Wife had no place in his life any longer. I had run off and left him there stuck in the muck of our marriage and pursued what I wanted and needed more than anything else - to be validated, appreciated and valued. I found it in a room full of women who heard my voice, saw my tears and responded in love. I turned to those friendships in place of the confidence and love of my husband and I failed him in every way.

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I confessed all of this to him then, but he did not have ears to hear it. I asked him weekly - "Is everything okay between us?"

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His answer was always the same. "Yes."

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"If it weren't would you tell me?"

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His assurance, "Yes, I would."

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Okay... So I pressed on. Growing further and further apart.

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Three weeks or so ago my husband exploded on me and poured all the hurt and angry feelings he had been harboring in his heart against me. He laid it on hard and thick and all I could do was weep and apologize. Sit at his feet and ask his forgiveness. I was heartsick, heartbroken and awoke the next morning with fresh vision and invigorated to restore what had been lost. But how? I was still guessing. The only iron clad thing I knew I could do to help him was to be more than on time - but, be early when getting ready to go somewhere. So, I pressed the envelope.

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The weekend after Christmas I also learned I was not the only one with sins to confess. My husband's choices began to come to light in high fashion. Some of my worst fears were realized, and others were allayed. I confessed to God in those early moments as the crisis point threatened to rob me of my faith... "I can't do this... I'm not strong enough."

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God said, "Yes, my child, you are. You have all the strength you need in you in Christ. He is in you. Trust that."

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I persisted in my argument, but each time I heard - "Yes, you can."

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My husband is not a bad man... He is a wounded man. A disappointed man... A man confused about life and his value to me. A man who lost sight of God and in those moments of weakness sought to escape the pain of his life. It could happen to anyone of us... It happened to him. The harder I pressed into God, the further away he ran. I made him a man without honor. I destroyed the man I hoped he'd become with my pressing and pushing... My willfulness and yes, even my rebellion. My faith overshadowed him like nightfall and my personality doesn't leave much room for a partner. All the things I longed for I systematically shut down in my marriage with the choices I made.

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We have spent the last week and a half sorting through the messiness of all our confessions. Forgiving and apologizing over and over again. Truth is prevailing. Love is prevailing. God is prevailing. We took the "Five Love Languages" test from Dr. Gary Chapman's book and I was so blown away and humbled by his responses.

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After we took the test and shared our love language results, we exchanged answer sheets. I read each statement and felt like my eyes were opening for the first time the man inside that I so longed to know and love. I wept tears of regret and tears of joy all at the same time. I read and re-read the statements and they were like water to my parched and aching heart. A refreshing view of my husband's heart. He, on the other hand, looked like the cat that ate the canary. He was so pleased with outcome of his test ... I had to laugh as I confessed, "I would have never put that on you... Never in a million years."

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With a playful waggle of his eyebrows he said, "SURPRISE!" And Surprise was a good word for it.

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A gift renewed.

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Our love languages are actually very compatible and very complimentary to one another. We began to explore the nuances of our particular language and expressed our love in renewing and refreshing sorts of ways. The more we activated our love languages and met the others needs, the more we talked about what had been underlying all the pain and hurt we had been feeling and pushing each other away with.

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To God's glory, He has walked each step of the way with us. Our hearts still hurt in immeasurable ways, but God is working healing out as only He can. We are simply complying.

At Christmas I had no clue what to do next...

But these pictures tell a story my heart has been longing to hear.

Me and My Man. I do love Him so...

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This morning as we sat in the car and shared our quiet time, this is the verse of Scripture that God shared with us... "Now I will tell you what the Lord has declared: He said to me, "You are My son. Today I have become your father. If you ask Me, I will give you the nations; all the people on earth will be yours." Psalm 2:7-8

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We prayed together and this time I started and he closed... these last few days he has started and I have closed. I prayed for all that we discussed in our few moments of quiet surrender. I confessed, praised, made intercession and waited. My husband then began to pray, his struggle was great. But, for the first time I heard him say the words of confession I needed to hear. He confessed to God that he had been wrong in the two primary choices he had made that hurt our marriage. I wept and felt something physically being removed between us. He has prayed for our marriage consistently when we pray together and he is committed to seeing this through. I've never been more humbled or more proud of my man.

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As I lay in his arms last night, I asked, "Did you think of me today?"

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His reply: "Yes."

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"What did you think?"

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"How much I missed and how good it would be to see you again."

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Glory to God our hearts are being restored to one another. And I can say once again:

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"I have found the one that my heart loves." Song of Songs 3:4

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A Family Holiday, Lots of Words and Pictures

It is not unusual for our holidays and special occasions to be marred with some sort of tragedy. Justin's death happened the day after our 7th wedding anniversary, my uncle passed away last year on Taylor's Birthday and this year, Travis and Megan lost their maternal grandfather on Travis' birthday, December 23rd. We spent a couple of hours with them at the hospital that day and we hurt for them because this was such a difficult goodbye.

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At the hospital that afternoon before her grandfather died, Megan walked out of the room in tears and fell into her father's arms and just held onto him weeping. It was the most precious moment I have experienced with Scott and his kids. Scott was so worried about how she was doing... His baby needed him and he needed to be there for her. It was indeed precious. I hurt so deeply for those kids in that loss, I wept tears.

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We spent Christmas Eve with all our kids and his family at his parent's home. Mother-in-love made hubby's absolute favorite dish... STUFFED SHELLS. (I just called and got the recipe! ;o) She is a second generation Italian from upstate New York and my hubs loves her Italian cooking. He has fond memories of family dinners with his mother's family when they lived up north. His grandmother spoke English, but was full Italian when she was upset. He laughs when he says you knew when Grandma was not happy. It is always good eats at Granny's house. We opened our Christmas gifts and visited for a couple of hours before returning home with Scott's children to observe our family communion, take family photographs and open a few family gifts. Meg and Travis received their main gift from us on Tuesday at the hospital. We had gotten them cell phones and wanted them to have them while they were at the hospital. Scott read the Christmas Story from Luke 2 and I administered the elements. It was the perfect end to a wonderful evening.

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We had a terrific time really. I've included the family photos at the end of this post. His kids are beautiful, terrific kids. We attended the visitation for their grandfather on the Friday after Christmas at the funeral home and an older member of the family pulled Scott aside and told him how impressed and how well he thought of Scott's children. Travis called a few nights ago to say he had applied to go to aeronautics school in Oklahoma. He dreams of being an aircraft mechanic like his uncle and his grandfather on his mother's side of the family. Megan is just a half a year or so from being Sweet Sixteen. She is a beautiful young lady and she loves her family much. She simply dotes on her little sister, Chelsea (from her mom's second marriage). Chelsea is about 18 months old and just all adventure.

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My girls have absolutely nixed the idea of marriage and grandchildren for the time being so one night while Scott and I babysat, Megan and Travis came for a visit. I asked Megan, "Do you think... like maybe in 20 years of so... not anytime soon, but I mean, well - Do you think you might have kids someday?" She giggled and said, "Well yeah, just not soon."

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I clapped my hands and said, "Oh Boy, I'm going to have grandbabies." Someday.

Anyway... that is a silly tale.

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At the funeral home Megan and I sat with her cousin, Dylan (he is her step-father's nephew). He had a Highlights workbook and was busy doing all the Search and Finds he could do. So we helped. He is so cute at age 5 years old. He went in with his parents to the visitation room and came out downcast and teary-eyed. He said, "Mom's going to cry. She always cries at these."

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But, quickly his mind came back to the task at hand and we busily found all his objects of interest on the pages of his book. We even did some spelling together. It was quite delightful. He told me he got a Wii for Christmas and I asked if I could come and play at his house, he said YES! All Right! Work out here I come.

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My nephew and niece also got a Wii for Christmas. When I asked William if he would let me come work out at his house he said, "No, we don't have a Wii Fit."

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I laughed. I said, "Any Wii would be a workout for me."

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When the kids finally left on Christmas Eve, I set about printing out the pictures to give away on Christmas day at my family's gathering. I think I finally crawled into bed around midnight or one o'clock. The next morning we milled around and I cooked the Sopapilla Cheesecake that Amanda shared with us over at the LPM blog months back. YUMMY!

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Hubs requested this specific dessert as we were having a Feliz Navidad kind of Christmas at Mom's house. Mexican food was the delight of the day. Mom made her delicious Chicken Enchiladas... I think there may be a recipe on this blog for that somewhere. No time to type it out today. I made the cheesecake and Chicken Tortilla Soup. My Sister-in-love brought her whole clan and they had corn salsa... I heard it was good but never ate a bite. I fed the baby the beans from it though. Baby Wyatt is a living doll. I got great video of him playing in a box and climbing the stares at my parent's house. Of course, that video would be on Grandma's camera... so alas, I have nothing here to share.

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So the run down of all the holiday goods:

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Scott and I both generally receive money from both our parents, this year all our kids did, too. My Dad wrote a humorous note about how he could have given me a diamond or furs but he decided not to let me miss all the after-Christmas shopping sales. HA!

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I received a digital photo frame from my Sister-in-love. Hubs and an Enviro Scapes fountain from Sister-in-love's generous sister, Jessie. The girls got all sorts of bath stuff and home-knit toboggan and scarf sets. Hubs got a very nice dresser caddy for his what-nots and such. I loved putting that little thing in place and loading all his various items in it. The best gift, hands down... Was the little Ride me/Walk behind Lion that my parents got Wyatt. He was toddling around in no time flat with a big, sweet smile on his face. PRECIOUS.

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Mom got a special cookbook that included many of Scott and Steph's favorite Recipes (that's my brother and his wife.) They put our mom's favorites in along with Steph's family favorites and came up with a great family keepsake.

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My favorite gifts were from my hubs and the girls. Taylor got me a precious Sterling Silver necklace with little diamond accents in the shape of a heart with a butterfly on it. Cut into the sides of the heart is the word love. Beautiful. Brittany got me a sweet little Jewelry box that has a picture frame top with a matte that spells out the word HOPE and I can insert my own photos into the back. I loved it. Hubs got me a new MP3 player - it has 4GB of memory and I found an I-Home for it at Marshalls that works great and is quite portable and affordable. I loved it. He took me looking and we settled on a couple of different ones - then he bought me the one he wanted me to have. I'm very pleased and grateful he chose this one. Apparently all the way to my parent's house on Christmas day I was praising and worshipping the Lord to my new MP3 player and none to quietly. No one had the heart to tell me I was singing loud and the girls sat in the backseat giggling the whole hour-long trip. [CHAGRIN!]

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In the car as we started back hubs patted my leg and said, "Maybe this time you could... Uh... Sing a little quieter. I didn't want to interrupt you and I thought you'd get mad if I turned up the radio." OOPS! :o)

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What joy we had at Christmas in spite of the loss. We spoke to my middle brother by phone that evening and stayed the night playing Rummy 5000 with my parents... No bragging here, but I snookered 'em! I Won! Oh Yes, I did.

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I had given hubs his gift the night before. He and the girls had gotten new cell phones earlier in the month and I got him several new nice dress shirts to wear. After Christmas I spent half my Christmas cash on a new "dressy" windbreaker and shirts as well as a few things for me like an IRON. Okay... enough about the iron. I had such a good time shopping.

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Speaking of shopping... The day after Christmas the girls and I were off to the mall. BIG - Big Mistake... HUGE! To quote Julia Roberts from Pretty Woman. That was a nightmare and a headache all at the same time. I did get some great stuff, but WHEW! I could barely stand the two hours I gave the girls to shop before rushing home.

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This week has been both a good and a tough week. I will just say it has come to light that hubs and I need to work on our marriage and dealing with that sort of stuff is often messy, mostly an opportunity to receive a blessing and almost always HARD. God is so faithful and He is seeing us through. Which to my delight is just where I want to be. As Beth Moore says, "I want me a JESUS Year." But not just for me, for my whole family. [Insert Shameless request for Endless Prayer for my husband and I... THANK YOU!]

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We spent New Year's Eve day sorting through our marital junk and ended it by going to the annual NYE Prayer Service at the church. Afterwards we went to see the movie "Bedtime Stories" with Adam Sandler which I was surprised to find was a delightful children's movie about goals, dreams and family. No really inappropriate humor - Delightful.

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Yesterday I finished getting things in order around our house. We took down the tree and put up the two new bookshelves Scott got me last weekend. I also got a new iron, but I may write a whole new post for the iron - I am so excited about my iron and that's almost silly.

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So... today Hubs went back to work after a two weeks of Vacation. I miss him already. He is the most loving and generous man I've ever known - and if we are confessing in the James sort of fashion... I've not always appreciated him as I should. New Year's bring new beginnings and I am seeing My Man with new eyes this year. Serving him with a heart full of love and redeeming a covenant that could have been lost had we let it go. But, today we stand and we stand firm on the promises of God. He will not leave us or forsake us. Discretion says I should not go on with this train of thought. I just want you all to know I have the best husband in the whole entire world and I love him with a heart full of gratitude for all he has brought to my life. They don't come any better than him - I love him.

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So... as they say on the big stage - "On With the (Picture) Show"

This is our family: That's me and Scott (aka hubs, My Man) down front. The middle row are Scott's children Travis on the left and Megan on the right. Brittany and Taylor are bringing up the rear and they are all absolutely beautiful to me. My family truly is my heart. I love them so.

Our kiddoes

Top row are the two oldest - Brittany, 19 and Travis 18

Second Row are the two youngest - Megan, 15 and Taylor 17

Where does the time go? Brittany starts college in a few weeks and Travis will graduate the end of this year. Taylor will be a Senior Next Year and Megan the following year. Oh MY! At least we don't quite have an empty nest yet! Momma is having some Pre-Empty Nest Jitters. Though, my girls live with us and Scott's with their mother... Still it always seems too soon.

My Beautiful Babies. Brittany and Taylor. Tall, Beautiful and Confident....

But more than that - they are godly. They know the Lord and they love Him.

Taylor (right) absolutely amazes me... She has such a heart to pray and minister to others. She often spends all her "gift" money buying other people presents, she prays for others, looks up Scripture and has frequent Bible Study by text message. She witnesses by reading her Bible at school and striking up conversations that engage the spiritual with her teachers. She has even given out our pastor's book to one of her teachers. She is a dream to me... So spirited, passionate and full of heart.

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Last night I was in the middle of a holy fit in the laundry room really feeling quite sorry for my self and throwing wet clothes back and forth between the washer and dryer and then hitting and kicking the poor machine a few times for good measure. That's when I felt two hands on each of my shoulders. I didn't know my girls were home.

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Brittany walked in and just held onto me. Then she hugged me very tightly and tried to give me an excuse to continue to act like a child. Though Scott and I have done most of our discussing of personal issues behind closed doors - she guessed the problem. And she made it very clear - she is on my side and mad at him. So sweet, but it came with an exhortation from her momma. "You have to show Scott respect and love him because in spite of anything you may have figured out he has done... I am equally responsible for I have neglected my husband." She protested and said that I had much right to scream and cuss and cry if I wanted to... But I could not agree, "I must be gracious with my husband and serve him as my Lord has been gracious and cared for me."

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That is when Brittany accidentally brought much needed comic relief to the very intense moment. She said, "I am on Team Momma." I heard... "I am a Teen Momma." I thought - Oh Great, with everything else going on now my unwed daughter is pregnant. The look on my face must have been worth about well... let's just say shock and disbelief are not strong enough for what I was thinking. So I asked:

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"Are you preg-nant?"

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And it is about this time I learn my other daughter is also at home... (They were supposed to be out with friends.) She walks by and without a flinch or a waver of emotion she says, "If she was pregnant I would probably beat the crap out of that guy."

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Okay... so Brittany is sitting in the floor in a pile of unwashed laundry nearly crying she is laughing so hard. I am doubled over the dryer raucously heaving and hi-cupping. I nearly coughed up a lung I laughed so hard. I have heard about the gift of laughter when the Spirit brings a fit of releasing laughter to you in intense moments. Because, while this was funny... I was not in a laughing mood.

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I could not stop laughing ya'll.

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All the pent up ugly I had carried into the laundry room was released with a fit of very appropriate laughter. She did the instant replay after the fits of hilarity died down and we started again. It made me feel so good. My youngest knew I had been discouraged lately and came home last night with a six pack of old-style bottle Coca-Cola, a large box of Crunch-N-Munch and a movie size box of Sweet Tarts. She said, "We're going to watch a movie." I was much too tired last night - but we have a date for tonight when we get home from dinner. I love it. She doesn't know that the real gift is Quality Time!

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Yes, Yes... These are indeed my girls.

We do not see Megan and Travis as often as we'd like...

But, we have been seeing them more and now I have these terrific pictures to share!

These pictures were a really awesome gift for me.

My Brittany used her camera to snap the shots either with a timer or behind the thing.

She said that I must give her credit.

I took the photos of my girls and the four kids. She took the rest.

Above is a great shot of Scott with his children.

Below is one of my very favorite pictures of all time...

Me and my girls.

And this, is my beloved and me.

(He still makes me swoon... Seriously when he is in his boots and jeans I just feel all weak in my knees... !)

Second only to the Savior and Lord, Scott is very much my other half.

I don't want to be right, I want to be right with my man and my Lord.

Okay... the last shot.

I love this picture. At our wedding we were both so nervous that my cousin said, "At least look like you like each other." I don't remember how we got into this pose, but I remember looking at Scott and saying something to the effect that I wanted him to get close to me so we looked like we liked each other... He smiled big and I was looking into those smoky hazel... sometimes cool green eyes of his (He has Mood Eyes ya'll)... And Big Girl snapped the picture. It is such a fun, free and beautiful shot. I framed it and put it on the end table where he sits to watch television. A prophetic vision for now and always... Us Happy Together.

HAPPY NEW YEAR SWEET BLOGGY FRIENDS... I count myself so blessed!

Holy Spirit Fall On Us...

**THIS IS A STICKY POST... For Newer Posts Scroll Down The Page**

** UPDATE: NEW QUESTION ADDED - See Bonus Below **

Hey Sweet Blog Friends,

I'm sitting here while about 40 pages of Bible study written by the women's writing team at our church cycle through my printer. I'm about to begin study and research in preparation for writing one lesson about the Holy Spirit which brought me to my blog.

If you were looking for an IOW post... I'm taking a break from IOW until Spring. I just have one or two too many irons in the fire, and want to focus on the ministries God has given me this coming season and doing them well.

Last night I facilitated the first group meeting for a Crisis Grief group. This is basically a support group for people struggling with grief and awaiting the beginning of the next Recovery Group classes at the end of January. It is different than my Bereaved Mothers Recovery Group in that we have no curriculum or basic structure. We simply talk and rely on the Holy Spirit to lift out of our conversation the areas that need His work and touch in the grief.

As I marveled at His absolute power in the room last night, I found myself drawn to preparing for this lesson this morning. And, I have some questions I would like your help in answering. I will leave these questions up for quite a while maybe through the first of the year... And if I can figure out how to make this a "sticky post" I will. (You may need to scroll down to read new posts.)

If you would send people my way and encourage them to answer my questions by linking to this post - I WOULD MUCH APPRECIATE THE SUPPORT and response.

I would like to ask that you reply to these as ANONYMOUS comments and be completely honest. I need some honest feedback about where you are with the Holy Spirit and your understanding of Him from Scripture.

Here are my questions: (Scale questions are 1 being not at all and 5 being an absolute must)

1. On a scale of 1 to 5, How important is the presence of the Holy Spirit to you in your daily life? Why did you choose the answer you did?

2. What do you believe the Holy Spirit's role is when it comes to your daily walk with the Lord?

3. When and how does the Holy Spirit begin His work in your life?

4. On a scale of 1 to 5, Rate your understanding of the Holy Spirit based on what you know today.
Please tell me the area you struggle with the most in regard to the Holy Spirit.

5. Who is the Holy Spirit to you?

6. How does the Holy Spirit help you?

7. What importance does your denomination place on the baptism of the Holy Spirit?

8. What do you personally believe about the baptism of the Holy Spirit?

9. How important is the Holy Spirit in the administration of spiritual growth and gifts?

10. When did you first realize the work of the Holy Spirit in your life?

11. When would you say you rely on the Holy Spirit the most? (IE: All the time, times of distress or trouble, some of the time, when I hear a teaching about it... etc.)

12. Would you like to learn more about the Holy Spirit?

Bonus: What are the distinctions between the persons of the Godhead (Trinity) as you understand them (Father, Son and Holy Spirit)? How is the Holy Spirit separate and distinct from Jesus as the Son of God and Christ?

If you would be willing to answer these questions you would be helping me to develop a curriculum that reaches across denominational lines and speaks to the heart of hurting women. While I will definitely be tailoring my curriculum to agree with the doctrinal teachings and statement of faith of my church, I also want to answer and validate the truth about the Holy Spirit by reaching beyond the assumption that anyone coming to my group would know what our church teaches. I ran into this very issue this semester and realized I need to do a little more homework. Again, please do not include your name with your comment - Anonymity is very important.